SPORTSSSSSSSSSSS

I got my bag of pretzels, Coors ( The Banquet Beer ) stuck my hand down to grab the remote and tried to find The Rangers playing The Kings. What Happened? All I could find were The Devils playing The Kings. Oh yeah, I forgot The Rangers got their asses handed to them. I must admit Brodeur did a good imitation of Lundqvist last night.hologram man Don't worry my trusted Ranger fans we can always watch fuckin soccer. Are there any worse sports to watch then soccer? Yeah, Polo and Golf. Jezzzz I wish that guy in Miami would eat my face off. Talk abourt disasters, how about that Met ball pen. What a bunch of pant loads. I wouldn't let Parnell pitch horse shoes unless he was aiming them at Rauchs big fuckin head.Hey Collins don't you have anybody else, Oh yeah, Acosta, somebody just shoot the met fans now. The National League at the request of Fred Wilpon is considering any FOUL ball hit into the second deck by David Wright should be a home run. This kid doesn't suck enough. Keith Hernandez and the crew broadcast from the Pespi Porch last night. I am hoping the Met fans strapped Hernandez to the porch and took his microphone away. Keith, I am begging you to stop talking about 1986. NOBODY FUCKING CARES. Why don't you talk about when Jackie Robinson played for Mets.STILL TRYIN TO FIGURE THAT ROTUNDA OUT. Ty Wigginton hit a home run last night and by the time he got to the second base bag EMS was called in to administer oxygen. I don't think its healthy for ball players to have their stomach hanging over their belt unless your CC Sabathia. Whatsa Matta your restaurant does'nt have a salad bar.I don't know if I should go to a Ducks game tonight or stay home and shove ground glass under my finger nails.

I'M BACK BABY

Hey Ranger fans don't forget to watch the Devils beat the Kings tonight. Whatsa Matta? What else are you gonna do, The Yankees don't lose until oops I mean play until 10. Martin Brodeur is already getting sized for his fourth, yes count em his fourth Stanley Cup ring. Lundqvist is getting his hair permed and his nails done because his team didn't make it into the Stanley Cup finals. Here is my suggestion to Lundqvist, just get the fuck out. It is still a battle for last place in the AL East. Baltimore and Tampa Bay are 4 games out of last and the Yankees are 2 games out. With Baltimore in first place it shows how weak that division is. Not to many philly fans at Citifield last night. You can always spot this crew, brown cargo shorts, Rollins jersey, carrying a can of Keystone Light. The woman are wearing extra large cargo shorts, a tat of Rollins name on their lower back and carrying a six pack of Keystone Light. You can hear them cheering Victorino hoping he will catch anything hit to center field. This douches nickname is the Flying Hawaiian. Do me a favor fly back to Hawaii and take the rest of the Philly players with you. Can somebody please tell ex-met Ty Wigginton to please eat a fucking salad. There is only one thing worse than watching the Phillies, watching the Eagles. David Wright went one for four and has gone 50 games without hitting a home run over the second base bag. Fred Wilpon is thinking of moving the fences in to the pitching mound. The only other suggestion would be to trade him to the Red Sox so he can play at Fenway where anybody can hit a home run. Is there anybody dumber than Buddy Harrelson, I DON'T THINK SO. One last thing, somebody please tell Keith Hernandez to just shut the fuck up. Nobody cares about how you fielded a ground ball in 1986. The banter with Ron Darling gives me the urge to go in the garage and take the pipe. Here is my tip for the Belmont Stakes, look for the horse with white powder around his nostrils.

DA RANGERS

Okay Ranger fans it's not time to kill yourself yet, you can do that after the next game or possibly the game after that. What I am talking about, there won't be another game after Friday night. Wow, how about them Devils scoring at will. Once again that had to be a halogram of Lundqvist and not the real deal. The male fans leaving the Garden were overheard saying they can't believe they got a tat of Lundqvist on their lower back. The female fans were overheard saying they can't believe they got a tat of Lundqvist on their lower back. It could be a brutal Memorial Day weekend for Ranger fans. Listen after the game just keep your mouths shut so the Devil fans don't kick your asses.Tortorella said to pray, well I guess his prayers weren't answered, The good Lord isn't a Ranger fan, he ain't got the time to wait between Stanley Cups. Somebody better place Tortorella on a sucide watch, please remove any belts, shoe laces and bed sheets from his room. Hey Rupp, why don't you punch Brodeur in the chest on more time you jackass. Hey Ranger fans I guess chanting Marrr-ty Marrr-ty didn't work for you guys. Better start cheering Lundqvissst,Lundqvissssrt then maybe he can block the puck because he got beat worse than Rodney King. Rumors have it The Yankees could be for sale. Maybe some Wall Street douchebag could buy them, then issue an IPO and swindle the investors out of their money. Oh I forget, they just did that with Facebook. These guys make the mafia look like legitimate business men. God help the Yankees if Charlie ( The Douchebag ) Dolan buys the Yankees. Get ready for your team to finish in last place every fucking year. Mets play the Padres tonight, somebody shoot me. Can't wait to see Ike Davis pop up or strike out. I bet 500 bucks his batting average drops below .150 tonight. The only sport that matters this weekend is the Indy ( Left Turn ) 500. If you want to see what middle America looks like turn on you TV's. I didn't think we could produce so many RV's. People sitting on lawn chairs with their gravy stained tees, drinking bud, with a Marlboro dangling off their lip. These people have one tooth and the one thats left they aren't taking very good care of. I'm going with Mario Andretti.

BANNER DAY

Banner Day is May 27th at Citifield. Any fan bringing a banner that has a picture of Jackie Robinson wearing a Met uniform will receive two tickets to any Yankee game of their choice. You will only have to pay face value for tickets. Any fan bringing a Banner with a picture of Ike Davis actually getting a base hit will receive two tickets for the game played the night before. Maybe they can throw Davis a Matzah Ball, this kid sucks. Could we please place him in the tenth batting spot. The Yankee bats came alive last night, they routed the Royals 3-2. You talk about your powerhouse teams and your talking Yankees. 200 million dollar payroll and they can beat the Royals by one run. It don't get any better than the Yankees. What is it with the latin players making the sign of the cross when they get a hit. Does this mean the good lord is watching over you? where is he when you don't get a hit? Getting a beer and a hot dog. Tonight is the thriller in the Meadowlands, yup The Devils and The Rangers, mano a mano. Tortorella told his team to pray, I guess if they lose God isn't a Ranger fan. Judging from how many Stanley Cups they won God is an Islander fan. I placed a 500 dollar bet that Tortorella has a meltdown during the second period. I was just informed Went The Day Well is on 1-95 in Delaware and will make it in time for the Belmont Stakes in three weeks. Union Rags will be ridden by John Velazquez in the Belmont. They switched riders because the horse was squeezed back and then encountered traffic during the race. Typical of a horse with Union in its name, excuses excuses. I guess he can always get a disability pension. ( Get it, all you LIRR workers )

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING IN NY SPORTS

Did the Rangers have a goalie last night or was that a 3D image of Lunqvist in front of the net. Wow! Dah Rangers are changing their name to the N.Y. Pansies. What a bunch of whinny bitches led by the head bitch, Tortorella. Somebody get this cry baby a fucking towel. Are we playing hockey or ice ballet. Nice cheap shot by Rupp bunching an old man in the chest. Hey Rupp, don't bunch the goalie try and score a goal you asshole. Message to the Ranger players::: If your going to start a fight with the Devils you better bring in some back up. So the score last night was the Devils' 4 Rangers' SUCK. Like the soup nazi would say " NO STANLEY CUP FOR YOU" Just get the fuck out. You can tell the Yankees are in last place, you don't see their so called fans wearing any Yankee crap. Talk about douchebags, their fan base has a bigger bunch of yuppie scum than the Red Sox. The Yankees make the Mets look good. Jeter is to busy making Ford commercials, Sabathia is is to busy doing Subway commercials, ARod is to busy banging blonde chicks and Teixeira is to busy having a coughing fit. Too bad there isn't another spot after last place because the YANKEES SUCK. If you can't beat K.C., fughgetaboutit. Talk about suck, how about them Mets. Wright continues his torrid pace of hitting singles with nobody on base, Davis continues his torrid pace of not hitting and Nieuwenhuis thinks center field is in left field. Jason Bay will be coming off the mentally disabled list so we can watch him strike out at every at bat. If you can't beat the Pirates, fughgetaboutit. I was just informed that the nag of a horse Went The Day Well just crossed the finish line.send that fucking horse to the glue factory. The ex-coach of the N.Y. Knicks ( another N.Y. team that sucks ) Mike D'Antoni says he quit and was not fired by the Porky Pig look alike Dolan. D'Antoni said he realized he sucked as a head coach over a bowel of linguine. So N.Y. Fans " WAIT TILL NEXT YEAR". We always have the JETS. OMG

WEEKEND NEWS

Guess who died this weekend? No, not Went The Day Well, i think that fuckin horse is still running, the mastermind behind the Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie. Hopefuly this scumbag died gasping for his last breath in severe agony. He joins the list who ain't getting no virgins but a well deserved place in Hell. It amazes me how we gave this guy a free pass, whatsa matta he didn't kill enough people to have Seal Team Six take his ass out. Oh well what we didn't do the good Lord took care of. Guess who ain't Staying Alive, you guessed it, Robin Gibb. Let's face it if weren't for Saturday Night Fever and the disco error the Gibb brothers would have been homeless or working in a car wash. Guess where the highest number of shooting occur in the New York City area. Jamaica, East New York, Flatbush and the Bronx. Geez I wonder why? Let me try and figure this out. Oh I get it, DO YOU. The guy who stole the idea for Facebook got married. He went to China and came back with a Chinese Bride by the name of Priscilla Chan. Why do they always take American first names? The Zuckerbergs must be proud parents, Oy Vey. I forgot, Jews love Chinese Food. They won't eat ham but dog is okay?? I know who dumped those bodies along Jones Beach, John Tortorella. Wow is this guy one quart short of a barrel. I think this guy cuts out the faces of the girls in Playboy. He is accusing the Devils of dirty play, HOLY SHIT. Rangers go one up,lets see who shows up tonight. Maybe the Devils will use bats instead of sticks tonight, can't wait. How about them Yankees? 200 million dollar payroll and just one game out of last place, I guess you get what you pay for. The guy who sweats jerked pork when he pitches took another loss. Teixeira has coughing fits, did he ever hear of Vicks Cough Drops and without steroids ARod can't hit. Onto Kansas City, maybe they can beat up on the Royals. How many more games can we watch the Mets march out Ike ( I can't hit ) Davis. Enough is enough they already have Jason Bay, how many more guys do we need on the team that can't hit. 60 year old Miguel Batista was placed on the diabled list due to old age. Maybe he can get with Mariano Rivera and they can talk about the good old days in Cuba. Well the Preakness was an exciting race. I didn't have the winner, enuf said.

ITS FRIDAY BITCHESSSSSSSS

The only sport that matters this weekend is the 137th running of the Preakness. The only problem, Pimlico Race Course is located in Maryland. Listen if you want to get bored to death this is the state for you. After you had the crab cakes, and see Camden yards its time to go to fucking sleep. I am sticking with Went The Day Well, Bodemeister, I'll Have Another, and Daddy Nose Best to round out the Superfecta. Sticking with Went The Day Well as the winner. I don't pick the chalk unless you like to win 2.10 and your 2 buck bet. How about them Yankees getting swept in a foreign country. I guess Swisher wasn't Swisherlicious. Old man Jeter is batting .363 which shows you how weak the AL is. I see that basball is big in Toronto, NOT or maybe beacuse they were playing the 4th place Yankees that are only 2 games out of last place. Rangers play the Devils tomorrow,god only knows what teams will show up.The Game should end by dinner time so the Ranger fans can drive a steak knife into their ears after loosing our minds watching and waiting for a miracle. Fenway is going to lower the Green Monster to half way in honor of Mary Kennedy who decided to take the pipe this week. I guess RFK Jr. got out of any alimony payments, how lucky can you get. Jane Fonda is 74 which proves the old adage " Only The Good Die Young" The Disco Queen died, no not John Travolta, Donna Summer. She will no longer be " Hot Stuff" because she is cold as ice. The question of the day, is John Travolta gay and when did Jackie Robinson play for the Mets. If you answer both correctly you get an all expenses paid weekend with John Travolta at a spa of your choice.Have a great weekend peeps

NOT ANOTHER KENNEDY

Is it me or Do any of the Kennedy's ever die from natural causes? WTF is with this fucked up family, Have you seen the Kennedy compound in Bedford, N.Y. where RFK Jr.'s wife was found hanged. It looks like a building at Pilgrim State. Mary Kennedy took the route that most people take with the Kennedy name, Booze,drugs and an untimely death. In her last few days she was seen stumbling around the town of Bedford lost and out of her fucking mind . How could people tell, thats the way most Kennedy's walk around half the time, still and all it is a shame and i am sure she will be missed by the local liquor stores and drug stores... sorry i had to say it..... Listen we know the Mets suck but how about those Yankees. Talk about suicide, Yankee fans must be close to the edge. Hiroki Corroded imploded yesterday giving up three home runs and lost to Toronto. They are only 3 games out of last place. The Mets are just 2 games out of last place and hopefully their season will be over by the end of May. The Mets will finish in last place but the good news is Wright has a .402 batting average. Isn't that terrific. The 1000 fans watched as the Met pen collapsed again. Not to worry Citifield will host the 2013 All-Star Game and not one Met will be on the All-Star Roster. Fred Wilpon is going to make Bernie Madoff money on this affair. Whats Matta, Major League Baseball couldn't supply enough sandpaper to host this event at Fenway. Devils even up the series with the Rangers, enuf said. Here are my picks for the Preakness. Went the Day Well, Bodemeister, I'LL Have Another and Daddy Nose Best, to complete the Superfecta. I am going with Went the Day Well as the winner. Remember the horse with the most Michael Jackson like drugs wins this one.

HOW BOUT THEM METS

Were you one of the lucky 20 fans at Citifield last night. Did you get a chance to visit the Rotunda named after one of the greatest Met players ever. No not Tom Seaver, The Jackie Robinson Rotunda. How about the bridge named after Ed Kranepool, Shea Bridge. Do you buy into the line of crap from Gary Cohen and Keith Hernandez that this team is over-achieving with such a young staff. They absolutely suck. Murphy is the only one that can hit on a daily basis. Wright couldn't hit a home run if they brought the fences in to the second base bag. How long do they march Ike Davis out to strike out, pop up, or ground into an inning ending double play. How about that Lucas Duda in right field? The only excitement there is guessing if he will misjudge a fly ball. They have a rapist as there star pitcher, and old man in Batista, Gee who can't pitch to the bottom of the order and no closer, Francisco makes K-Rod look like a superstar. Now here is the reason they won't win anything. They pull David Wright because they fear he might get hit in retaliation for Braun being hit by a pitch. Hey Wright you are a faggot and that is an insult to faggots. Get the FUCK OUT. Go join your butt boy buddy Reyes in Miami. DO NOT sign a contract with the Mets go buy a plane ticket on Jet Blue and just get the FUCK OUT. We ain't winning no World Series with you so just get the FUCK OUT. Hey Keith Hernandez get in your car get on Sunrise Highway crank that sucker up to 120 and drive right into the Shinnecock Canal on your way home to Sag Harbor. You and those stupid utterances like Metsies, Fundies, Band Box, just shut the fuck up. Who wants to hear about how you would have fielded a ground ball, NOBODY. Go do another commerical for some rip-off gold buying outfit. I thought John Sterling was a shit head but you now hold that title. How about that Gary Cohen? What an SNY Butt boy. How does Ron Darling work with those two assholes. I didn't know you could be considered an overachiever once you become a PROFESSIONAL MAJOR LEAGUE BALLPLAYER. Wilpon you make Jimmy Dolan look like a genius. Oh yeah I know we are 4 games over .500 and isn't that amazing for this young team. FUCK YOU

YA JUST CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP

You can't make this shit up. Whitney Houston's family, includung her mother Cissy, daughter Bobbi Kristina and cousin Dionne Warwick will take part in a Lifetime reality show. I got the perfect name for the show." Can I do blow all the way to San Jose". Dionne Warwick will play the part of Bobby Brown. I guess its never too late to cash in.... Tina Fey says it takes Alec Baldwin too long to get ready for 30 Rock. I understand it must take awhile to roll on a 50 gallon drum of makeup...... Seperated at birth, Aunt Jemina and Oprah Winfrey. Did you know Russell Brand has 4.6 million followers on Twitter. Can there be that many shut-ins in this world. Donald Dunn the musician for Booket T and MGs died in his sleep in Tokyo, SAYONARA. He was 70 and I guess we all know by now 71 ain't happening. Have you seen a picture of Nick Cannon lately? This poor guy looks like he aged 10 year being married to Mariah Carey, she must be banging the living shit out of him. Hey Mariah, give the guy a night off. I didn't know Tom Hanks son was trying to be black, he is a rap singer that performs under the name Chet Haze. I guess his father is a tough act to follow. At least he hasn't been caught with his pants down around his ankles at a massage parlor. Here are some facts before placing your bets. Brodeur has 3 Stanley Cups, Lundqvist ZERO, Brodeur 96 Playoff wins Lundqvist 23. you do the fuckin math........but as a ranger fan i do hope they beat the shit out of these jersey fuckersssss

TOP NEWS

Thirty more Al Qaeda members were annihilated in Yemen. Unfortunately there are no more toothless, burkha wearing virgins left. Prevoiusly dead members of Al Qaeda have taken all the virgins. Here is my suggestion. Throw down your arms, stop eating dirt, sleeping on straw and riding goats, Jesus Christ its 2012, go get a big screen TV with HD, the new IPhone and just fucking relax, you guys are so over. Well three assholes that lost 2 billion dollars at Chase will no longer be employed as of today. The only problem being the biggest asshole that over sees this company Jamie Dimon still has his. What up with that? I had a friend that got fired from Chase for stealing pens. This guy watched 2 billion thats right with a B go up in smoke. I can prove that Obama is a lefty he was Alec Baldwins house for a fund raiser. I was informed they were in the backyard of this hideous place Baldwin owns hugging trees and waiting for Barbara Streisand to sing Yentl. 49 Mexicans found dead on a Mexican roadway, guess they aint coming to America. Now for some local news an ex-postal worker on disabilty has pocketed more than 143,000 in disabilty since 2007. She claims to have a bad back and cannot work. Here is the problem, she is working at Strathmore Bagels in Shirley and looks like she has been eating the profits. I think I know who has been dumping the bodies along Ocean Pkwy on Jones Beach. The Head Coach of the N Y Rangers. This guy looks like he juggles running chainsaws in his garage. Way to intense for a hockey coach. Hey John relax, these are grown men beating the shit out of each other up with sticks fighting over the only black thing in hockey, THE PUCK. The blood bath starts tonight at MSG. Rangers VS. Devils, enuf said. Andy Pettitte got rocked in first game back after filming Swamp People, ( I think that was him ). Pettitte has requested that Yogi Berra be his catcher on the day's he pitches. This guy takes the loss and the Yankee fans are cheering when he leaves the mound and people think there is something wrong with Philly fans. Maybe The Mets can have Seaver come back as a releiver. Fred Wilpon was overheard mumbling in his office how he longed for the days when Jackie Robinson played for the Mets. Hey did you catch NASCAR, The Bojangles South 500 at Darlington Raceway. Besides the fans that have a 45 degree slope to the forehead with there eyes close together the next best part was the post race fight between the Busch, Newman pit crews. I believe the fight was over the last can of Budweiser. Now I will give you my Preakness picks as of today. Went the Day Well with I'LL Have Another. I have to wait for the remaining triple and superfecta pick because several horses may not run such as Bodemeister, Hansen and Hierro.

AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL

Guess where I am headed today? To my local Chase Bank to close out my accounts. Did you hear what these stupid bastards did? They lost 2 billion fucking dollars in six weeks. Yes you are reading this correctly, 2 with a B, BILLION. Oh yeah that Jamie Dimon is doing a great job. These stupid mother fuckers are still making what they call "Hedges" to protect against their own losses. Well guess what? IT AIN'T WORKING. No wonder these douchebags aren't lending any money, they ain't got no money to lend. I thought the great crusader Obama said he was putting a stop to this, just more wind he was passing to get elected. Mortgage rates are at their lowest since 1971. Problem is you get a effen mortgage. You think this is an isolated case of stupidity? HSBC credited a guys account to the tune of 5 million dollars, this guy requested a refund of 150.00 for a fraudulent charge and got 5,022,012.00 bucks deposited into his account. How about Deutsche Bank, they have to fork over 202 million to settle a lawsuit with the government for making risky loans to unqualified borrowers and Citicorp 158 million for the same reason. Oh yeah this country is head in the right direction, that is if you think the right direction is into an abyss. Meanwhile, John Travolta is offering male cruise ship employees 12 grand for sex. I guess the only question left unanswered is he the pitcher or catcher. Bruce Willis, 57 and his wife Emma Heming, 35 just had a baby girl and they named her Mabel Ray Willis. With a name like that she will probably be the next heavyweight champion or a cleaning lady. Russell Brand the very unfunny Britsh comedian that was dicking Katy Perry the untalented singer will host the MTV Movie Awards, whatsa matta Burt Lancaster isn't available. Oh yeah thats right he's dead.

WHO KNOWS ANYMORE

What a shocker, NOT. A second masseur now claims John Travolta made sexual advances towards him. Is this anyway for the actor who played tony manero to behave. I just can't picture Kelly Preston wearing a fuckin strap on..... Justin Timberlake is engaged to Jessica Biel, so lets count down the days till he is found on a massage table with his pants down around his ankles. Andrew Cuomo still wants to be President, I guess being the King of New York isn't good enough. Andrew, listen to me, you will never be President of the United States. So go visit your father on the park bench and talk about things that will never be, your father will know all about that. Andy Pettitte returns to the mound on Sunday after testifying against his old buddy Roger Clemens. They think he will be the savior while throwing a blistering 87 mph fastball. Sunday is Old Timers Day at Yankee Stadium, oops I'm sorry everytime they take the field its fuckin Old Timers Day.... The Flyers got eliminated last night and it don't get any better than that. The only thing better than that would be the Bloods getting eliminated by the Crips in Miami. Really Knick fans you would want to see James Dolan with a Championship Ring. Rangers at Capitals tonight,and once again who the fuck knows what team will showup. Josh Hamilton hit 4 home runs in a game last night. He joins a short list of players who ever accomplished this. Guess who isn't one this list. Your right, not one player for the Mets.And Nobody has correctly guessed when Jackie Robinson played for the Mets.keep tryin met fans

BIG JOHN

Did you hear about this? John Travolta is being sued by a masseur. The masseur claims Travolta picked HIM up for a massage appointment, drove him to a hotel and tried to have sex with him. Travolta groped him and masturbated openly in his presence. I hope he was at least a good fucking tipper. Hey John, everybody knows your gay, just come out of the fucking closet. I can hear Travolta's explanation already I was reaching for a towel when I accidentally touched his penis with my mouth. Im just shocked George Clooney wasn't involved..... Maurice Sendak died, you know the guy who wrote Where The Wild Things Are. I would like to know the shit he was on while writing these books. Look he made it to 83, it was a good run but 84 was just not in the cards. Wow, the CIA thwarted another bomb plot. This was a new and improved bomb that when shoved up your ass cannot be detected. I don't know but isn't shoving things up your ass forbidden by Allah. Well guess what? the guy ( Ahmed al-Quso ) that was the mastermind has been dispatched by one of our bombs that does not require being shoved up someones ass. I guess he won't be making bombs anymore because he is splattered all over Yemen. Rangers beat the Capitals in OT, enuf said. The yankees are looking to get swept into last place starting tonight against Tampa Bay. I don't know what is a worse place, Tampa Bay or the Bronx. This might surprise you but I am going with Tampa Bay. It appears the Red Sox want to remain firmly entrenched in last place. Listen Sox fans if Clemens beats the rap maybe he will make a come back. The only other suggestion I have is ask Curt Schilling to change his socks and suit up. It won't be long till you start hearing crickets at Fenway or is that the sound of the place falling apart.

TOP NEWSSSSSSSSS

What a shocker, out of the top 20 Fortune 500 Companies 4 of them are oil companies. Exxon, Chevron, Conoco Phillips and Valero. I guess profits are up because of all the fuel efficient cars people are buying, NOT. What is a bigger shocker is the fact that Bershire Hathaway was 7th. Now theres a stock you and I can buy. Warren Buffet is one napkin away from drooling on himself. This guy is more left than a Nascar Racetrack. Warren it is time to get the fuck out. Hey, even a few companies we bailed out with our money are in the top 20. Government Motors, Citicorp, JP Morgan Chase, Bank of America and Fannie Mae. Nice to see that these scumbags who stole our money are still in the Fortune 500 with some enjoying record profits. I didn't mind that they stole the money but I do mind that they refuse to lend any of the money they stole and people are willing to pay the prevailing insane rate. You can get money from a loanshark easier than you can from a U.S. bank. I guess the banks learned that you couldn't give a 500,000 dollar mortgage to somebody making 800 dollars a month. What a bunch of fucking rocket scientists. Even better then bundling these mortgages and then betting they wouldn't be paid back. Can anyone say bend over. Vice President Hair Plugs is okay with gay marriage. It's time for the plagiarizing pant load to go back to that shit state of Delaware. The best thing about Delaware is the sign that reads YOU ARE NOW LEAVING DELAWARE. Here is some good news, Fahd al-Quso the mastermind in the bombing of the USS Cole was dispatched from the face of the earth. He will now be rewarded with those 17 ugly muslim virgins. Hopefully his dick was blown off when he was dispatched. Somebody in Yemen hit lotto because there was a 5 million dollar reward on this guys now missing head. The people in Greece continue to to pissed off at their government because they can no longer retiire at age 40 and can no longer work only 3 days a week. Just remember when you go to pull the lever in November only 63% of the American work force is employed, but unemployment is only 8.1% I guess I'm no math major but there seems to be something wrong here.

GOOD MORNING

France elected their first socialist president in over 20 years and we are trying to get rid of our first socialist president since FDR. So our choice come this November is a pantload or a douche. I will let you decide who is who. Well I gave you the Derby winner. I'll Have Another, ka-ching paid 32.60 for a 2 dollar bet. Sorry met fans if you didn't have the two bucks. Guess who won at Talladega, no not Ricky Bobby,it was Brad Keselowski and he wasn't driving a piece of shit Toyota. That's right he was driving a Dodge Charger. He successfully completed all his left turns. How about those Crips letting the Bloods win game 4. Stitches played in game 4 after the maintenance crews removed all the glass enclosed fire extinguishers. What is it with latin ballplayers and their hammy and quads? Now Tejada goes down for the count. I think they have to much rice in their diets. Rangers play the Capitals tonight,who the fuck knows about this game and the Devils will eliminate the Flyers tomorrow. The Red Sox are battling it out for last place with the Yankees. The Yankees are just 3 games out of last

"NOW THIS IS A REAL PANTLOAD"

Did you hear about this? Did you read about this? The leader of the Nazi Party suffered from uncontollable flatulence.for those who don t know what that is he farted all fuckin day long, Thus comes the term pantload. The Fuhrer farted all over the bunker and also used cocaine, this explains his urge to take over the world. This guy was a fuckin mess, so when he was doing blow he was also blowing them out of his ass. The next pantload up is Levi Johnston, remember this guy? He was the one banging Sarah Palins daughter, Bristol. He now impregnated another girl and they will name the baby " Breeze Beretta" WTF is a Breeze Beretta? Hey Levi why don't you take a Beretta and aim it at your temple. Does this douchebag know what a condom is. It appears that it is easy to score with girls from Wasilla Alaska, these fuckin whores. Who do you think is prettier? Kelly Ripa or her husband Mark Consuelos. I always knew CBS was a leftist news organization but now it was confirmed. It appears Osama Bin Laden wanted some influence on 60 Minutes. Who was he taking over for, Morley Safer or Diane Sawyer.My bet it was Sawyer, she does bear a resemblence. 60 years from now we will discover Bin Laden suffered from flatulence and cocaine abuse. Did Stalin have the same affliction? The residents of Brooklyn don't want a Hooters, but they don't mind that hideous looking new Atlantic Yards Arena. What till they see the crew this brings in.ENJOY THE WEEKEND I AM OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

AND THEY ARE OFF AND RUNNING

Lets start off with the most important thing going on in sports, The Kentucky Derby. The most exciting two minutes in all of sports. It is called the Sport of Kings, that's why no met fans will be there. Here is my pick, I'll Have Another at 12-1. If you want to cash on on a Triple Box, I'll Have Another, Union Rags, Bodemeister and Hansen. Sit back, relax with a Mint Julep and then go cash your ticket. Mariano Rivera's season is over and so are the Yankees. If you can't beat the Royals then fughgetaboutit. Maybe on C C's days off he can come in as a reliever or Jeter can revert to reliever in the late innings. The point I am trying to make is the Yankees are toast.Now lets see how great a manager Girardi really is. I think it's time for him to get behind the plate and take some balls to the chin and by the looks of him it seems that he has already. Yankee fans you are only 2 games out of last. When Pettitte gets done ratting out Roger Clemens maybe he can come and help them finish in last place. The Mets can't hit and have no pitching, guess where they are headed, you guessed it. The battle in New York will be how many games under .500 the Yankees and Mets will be. Devils beat the Flyers, how great is that. Can't wait till Flyers get eliminated and the Sixers get their asses handed to them by the Bulls. The worse fans in all of sports are located in Philly. Hey Red Sox fans guess what, the ball that went between Buckners legs in the 86 World Series is being auctioned off. Sorry but this ball is estimated to be worth 100,000.00. It is actually priceless to Met fans. 100 grand in Boston is Kennedy type money. Hey do you know what is older than Fenway? Bunker Hill. It is tough to get excited about the Rangers. They win a Stanley Cup every 40 plus years, the only problem is I ain't got another 40 plus years left.PEACE OUTTTTTTTTTTTT

A QUICKY

The Philllies have placed Jim Thome on the 15 day dsabled list. They hope to reverse a chronic condition called old age. Hey Jim, your 41 years old take your 600 home runs and get the fuck out. I lost all respect for you when you signed with the Philly Cheese Steaks. More bad news for Philly fans. Mr Met was voted the number one baseball team mascot. The Philly Fanatic that stupid looking thing that runs around molesting little kids and tries to entertain their mobidly obese fans finished second. What a shock, the people in Philly probably don't know how to vote. Now how about some blood sport. The 1% protestors got their asses kicked by the NYPD. Guess what happens when a protestor meets up with a night stick? The protestor loses. I got an idea for the protestors, get a fucking job because the 99% of us are tired of taking care of your sorry asses. Listen you guys can always move to Cairo, they kill protestors over there

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Listen if you can't beat the Orioles your season is over. Phil Hughes was throwing beach balls at the Orioles. So it all boils down to this, after CC the Yankees ain't got nothing. But don't worry the guy that ratted out Roger Clemens will be back soon after he is done testifying and helps to get his so called friend convicted. I guess Pettitte never heard the word, "Omerta". What a douchebag. I thought Gary Cohen and Keith Hernandez sucked as broadcasters, but no, I found two people worse than them. How about John Sterling and Susan Waldman, holy shit do they suck or what. Hey John, why don't you and Susan go out for lunch and never come back. Talking about teams you should beat how about the Astros. The Mets go into Houston and can't beat a team that has 20 fans in the seats, a no star lineup and thank god moves over to the American League next year. Good fucking riddance. The Rangers play the Capitals tonight, enuf said. If you can guess how many people get mugged after the game you can win a Barack Obama bobblehead doll. Here is a hint, guess high. Do you know the one good thing about Washington D.C. ? crossing over the bridge into Georgetown. The Bloods will take on the Crips Thursday without Amar'e. Everybody knows Amar'e by now, he is the guy able to break glass with his bare hands. No biggie the Knicks have a better record without him. So my question is, Why do we play this moron anyway? I believe he will be getting another tattoo while being sidelined. How long will it be before Amar'e is found in the Bronx bleeding profusely from both hands asking a park bench, Do you know who I am? Lets face it if these guys weren't playing basketball they would be stealing cars in Newark. I can't wait for the most exciting two minutes in sports, The Kentucky Derby this weekend. If you can guess the horse that was shot up with more illegal drugs then Whitney Houston you can win a free Eddie Arcaro bobblehead doll. If the Crips rest LeBron take the Knicks, If the Captials show up take them to win in OT, if the starting gate opens at the Derby well then it's anybody's race. Good Luck

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Well N Y Knick fans your misery will come to an end shortly. Guess what happens when you punch a glass enclosed fire extinguisher? You have to go get stitches, ask Amar'e. I guess nobody ever accused this stupid ass of having a brain. Listen if you are going to punch something why not punch that stupid looking owner of yours, Dolan. This morons contract should be voided today. You really didn't think the Bloods were going to beat the Crips. The series will go at least 5 games because Dolan has to pay the rent. The rich plantation owners have aleady discussed how this will all go down, trust me. The race in the AL East is really tightening up with the resurgence of the Red Sox. All the teams are now just 3 1/2 games out of last place. Fenway is stocking up on that swill they call Sam Adams and on Fan Appreciation Day they will be handing out Ted Kennedy Bobblehead Dolls. Any fan wearing a Buckner jersey will get free sandpaper for life. How about those Marlins, They play in a stadium thats looks like it was painted by Salvador Dali on crack. Jose Reyes is batting .220 and they are 6 games back and 6 games under.500. and the manager loves Fidel Castro, what a fucking mess. Que Pasa? Listen if you can't sleep and your ambien isn't working why not catch the Yankees at home playing the Orioles. Watching my clothes going around in the dryer is more exciting. Hey Girardi hows that Jenny Craig diet working out for you? If you lose a few more pounds you will get that skeleton look your trying to achieve.Is Brian Cashman still trying to pick up fat, drunk, physcho stalkers? Listen if your going to cheat on your wife please make sure she is smoking hot, otherwise you are embarassing yourself and you fan base. Well I'm routing for a Devils - Rangers series, I love when the Devils beat their opponents senseless. Besides who wants to see a team that comes from a city with a cracked bell and row houses win anything. The best thing about Philadelphia is seeing it in your rear view mirror.