GOOD NEWS BAD NEWS

Here is some bad news, women now have a 25% chance of dying from lung cancer. If my math is correct 39% of women think abortion rights is the most important issue facing them. So if these women are smoking that reduces the percentage of women having abortions to 14%. Now we are headed in the right direction. More bad news, Manti T'eo had an imaginary girl friend I guess thats good news for the tight ends at Notre Dame. Listen when you have to say that your not gay thats means you are GAY. Bad news for an Italian tourist who had a steak dinner at that dump in New York, Smith and Wollensky., He was arrested after leaving his wallet in his hotel room and couldn't pay for the meal. The good news is he got a free meal. You can tell this smuck didn't know where to get a good meal because it ain't at Smith & Wollensky. More bad news the Democrats are now attempting to take away your second amendement rights, the good news is that ain't never gonna happen can you say READY, AIM, FIRE. Things are getting even worse, the good news is that the Jets hired a new GM, the bad news is Rex Ryan hasn't been fired. The bad news is the Rangers lost to the Flyers, the good news is they are now 1 and 3. I have a question, what is a Philadelphia Flyer ? thats just as dumb as a Philadelphia Philly? Listen if your into row houses and cheese steak and the Philly Fanatic this is the place for you, I'll pass. Rumor has it that Ray Lewis will be on lock down when the team arrives in New Orleans, the good news he won't get arrested. Knicks beat the Celtics, enuf said

TOOO FUNNY

The easy on the eyes but very untalented Beyonce is accused of lip-synching the Star Spangled Banner. According to Jay-Z this comes as no surprise to him because he was overheard saying she has been "lip-sinking" him for years.GET IT..... How about taking her 2 shit songs "Halo" and "Put a Ring on it" and blow those fucking recordings up..when i hear those songs my head explodes. Just another black woman trying to look white, what up with that?..... I guess Rex Ryan doesn't like the color GREEN. This fat fuckin ass ran a red light in a Ford Mustang. Come on Rex your the head coach of the Jets and your driving a Ford are you fuckin kidding me..... Does anybody know what happens when you go around a down train gate? I know the next sound you hear is the last fuckin sound you hear. Well thats 2 less illegal aliens on long island.What are people thinking about doing that....what happened these people had to take a mad shit?...well they won't have to worry about that anymore..... Rangers lose to the Bruins tonight and does anybody care. Devils are 2 and 0, do you really fuckin care...? Georgia criminal defense attorney stated that Ray Lewis should not have been charged in the stabbing deaths of two men outside a club in Atlanta back in 2000. Then why did he plead guilty to obstruction of justice and testify against the other two douche bags that were with him at the time of the murders. I guess the NFL thought a 250,000 dollar fine was punishment enough. Lewis is a lock for the Pro Football Hall of Fame but Pete Rose can't get in the Baseball Hall of Fame for gambling. Wow, football sure has some low fuckin standards.but you do get a flag when more then 1 guy dances in the endzone...i don t fucking get it... At least O.J. waited until he no longer played football, oh thats right he was also found not guilty,now thats funny.... I'm sorry. When are the Jets going to sign Manti T'eo? just asking. WHATSA MATTA you never had an imaginary on line lover. FUHGETABOUTIT

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE

Do you know the difference between a serial dater and a cereal dater. A serial dater is someone like Taylor Swift, she dates guys just to break up so she can write another fuckin song. A cereal dater is someone who buys Honey Nut Cheerios to check out what Carmelo Anthonys' wife La La Vasquez tastes like. What 's the difference with Michelle Obama new hair style and her old hair style. She is starting to look more like a white woman, how did she get her hair so straight.? Hey did you hear about the 7 year old from Far Rockaway that brought a .22 caliber hand gun, 10 rounds of ammo and a flare gun. This is a pretty saavy 7 year old, I guess after he fired off the ten rounds he was going to use the flare gun to flag the cops down. Dear Abby is now Dead Abby, she died at the age of 94 from Alzheimer's disease. Dear Abby is now Dead Abby, she died at the age of 94 from Alzheimer's disease, geez I thought I just fuckin wrote that, oh well. She said it was always nice to meet new people everyday. Did you hear about the Notre Dame football playball Manti Te'o? This kid was doomed from the start when he was named Manti. I suggest when you see his name pop up on Craigs List you hit DELETE immediately. At least my imaginary girl friends are in Playboy lol lol . The Knicks had a game yesterday at 3:00 P.M. Who the fuck can go to a game at 3:00 in the afternoon? Oh yeah I know FUHGETABOUTIT. The Knicks beat Detroit, why not, the rest of Detroit loooks just as beatup. Alex Rodriguez had successful hip surgery, how can you run the bases in a walker. Whatsa Matta you didn't think Arod was a juicer

JUST SAYINNNNNN

Conrad Bain died at the age of 89. I wonder if it was a Different Stroke??? Do you know who is the luckiest guy and unluckiest guy in the world? The fucking kid thats banging the balls off Jennifer Lopez at night,then he gets unlucky and goes and bangs young boys during the day . Whatsa Matta you thought Casper Smart was straight, come on, his name is Casper only name worse than that is Leslie..... Can somebody tell me how they pulled off that stunt in sandy hook CT. I thought I saw one of the kids sitting on Obamas lap 2 days later, maybe I was mistaken or just loosing my mind.... Hey if I was Lance ( Thats another name worse than Casper ) I would get on my bike crank it up to 60 mph and ride off a fuckin cliff. What a fucking asshole. How long before he is found stumbling around town talking to his Schwinn Bike asking " Do you know how many Tour De Frances I won". He will be stunned when the bike answers ya none. Do you know what happens when a helicopter crashes into a building crane? Lets just say it ain't good. What was that sucking sound I heard the other night, Oh yeah that was the sound of 51 billion being sucked out of the taxpayers pocket. Lets be real, do you really think that 51 billion will go the the people who need it? If you believe that you watch conspiracy theories on U Tube. You should move three more letters down the alphabet, just in case you don't know the alphabet that would be X Tube. Thats were the real action is. Isn't U tube where they show a cat with three heads or a man with two assholes. If your turning into U Tube for your news I suggest you go home and take the pipe. What up with Subway? 11 inches on a hero thats is suppose to be 12". That sounds like something I tell girls I am trying to pick up. I got 8" then they find out I got 8" but it's inverted. FUHGETABOUTIT

SAY IT AINT SO.....

Another dope admits to doping. This time the douche isn't a baseball player but a cyclist, yeah thats right a guy who rides on a bicycle. What's next someone admitting to doping in fuckin Polo. Lance Armstrong admitted to Oprah that he used performance enhancing drugs to win severn Tour De France titles. With a name like Lance did you really think he could win without them. The only question remains did he use them before or after he had cancer of the ball sack. Now this washed up putz says he may testify against other cheaters. Why is it when these douches get caught doping they turn into a bunch of fucking rats. Clemens had his rat in Andy Pettite. He better not start crying during the interview or I will lose my fucking mind. Charlie Dolans' son is at it again, this time tubby was trying to listen in on the trash talking that takes place on the court during the Knick games, things like your wife tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios, or your mamas so fat when she sits around the house, she sits around the house, or this classic, your mama is so fat the back of her neck looks like a pack of franks. You know these morons are'nt talking about a cure for cancer. So whats up Dolan, are you standing in your office with your pants down around your ankles getting turned on by what Carmelo Anthonys got to say. I would be careful you might not want to hear what they say about your wife. Talk about steroids the Islanders play the Devils January 19th,hockey players are a bunch of guys who wanted to be figure skaters but didn't have enough teeth. Besides isn't this something the fucking canadians started and worse than that the french canadians. While we are on the subject of douche bags Congress is voting on an aid package today, no not an AIDS package. This is the package for the victims of super storm Sandy. You know the same same douches that are either refusing to vote yes or even bring it to a vote. Here is my theory:: After Hurrican Katrina, Congress approved funds after that storm. Do you know why??? I will tell you, because hundreds, maybe thousands of a certain minority were standing on their roofs with signs that read HELP ME or were packed into that shit hole were the Saints play, or looting stores, that plus the fact George Bush was being accused of blowing up the levees. I guess because no one was standing on roofs, or smashing windows and looting stores Congress believes assistance isn't needed. We are New Yorkers and we won't be found standing on our roofs. so you stupid douchebags pass the aid package or you will be voted out of office when your term is up. WHATSMATTA you thought Congress represented ALL the people.

OH BOYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Lets talk about stupid fuckheads, Pete Carroll joins Harry Reid as one of the dumbest fucking people on the planet. TIME OUT. Yeah it's time you got the fuck out. After your the one who calls a time out your running around asking the ref who called a fucking time out. Lets go to the videotape. What a fucking douche, hey asshole you called the time out.... Do you know why Peyton Manning has one Super Bowl ring? then you obviously didn't catch the game Saturday. The Bloods and Crips are demanding he be traded or force to walk into the Four Points section after midnight.Carmelo Anthony is launching his new sneaker the Air Jordan Melo M9. Every pair comes with a box of you guessed it Honey Nut Cheerios. Knicks beat the Hornets, enuf said. Has anyone seen Spike Lee lately? or is that Papa Smurf at the Garden.... Al Qaeda member look alike Brian Wilson, no not from the Beach Boys, but the relief pitcher with the Giants may come to New York as a Met. Just like the Mets to sign another broken down player with a bum arm.... Just like the rest of the neighborhood is one big junk yard of shittttt. While we are on the subject of junk I think the Jets found a new GM. They are going to hire someone from the LFL. Don't worry I think Sanchez will look okay in a bikini. 126,952 Daily News readers signed a petition to ban assault weapons, this comes as a shock to me because I didn't think that many News readers could actually spell assault weapons. The Saudis prefer beheading as capital punishment. Well at least one country has it's head on straight. They beheaded a 17 year old for smothering her baby. I got an idea, why not behead the 39% of woman who think abortion is the single most important issue facing this country.ok ok i am just kidding relaxxxxx but Im for abortion in the case of rape or incest. Unless your down south where incest is common practice. Whatsa Matta your from down south???

NEWS OF THE DAY

Here's a fucking shocker, nobody wants Tim Tebow ESPN reports. It took this pant load to come to The Jets to discover he can't throw a fuckin football...... Joe Biden is on a task force to try and stem gun violence. Could somebody please shoot me now, there isn't a dumber fuck on the planet, well maybe one of the dumbest, Harry Reid could be the dumbest. Joe the lefty douche is attacking our 2nd Amendment Right. Go ahead Joe "Make My Day" Hey stupid, how about enforcing the laws that are already on the books you putzzz.....Now I suggest you ask the kids to leave the room before reading this. The FDA issued an Ambien alert ( NO NO NOT AN AMBER ALERT ) warning millions of sleep deprived people across the country that the popular sleep aid leaves WOMEN too drowsy to drive in the morning. I guess thats why so many accidents occur on the way to the abortion clinic.ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT.... Maybe they should be taking a different kind of pill instead of Ambien.... 'Lincoln' was nominated for 12 Academy Awards, it will win one, for the longest fucking movie ever made. I was ready to shoot myself but forgot to buy bullets at Wal-Mart. While Carmelo Anthony was out buying a box of Honey Nut Cheerios to check out what they taste like the Knicks lost to Indy. enuf said. Have you ever heard of the LFL it is the Lingerie Football League, this is a group of chicks with dicks that play football in lingerie. WHATSA MATTA you didn't know some chicks have dicks

THIS IS TOO GOOD

The Ravens fly into Denver to face the Broncos this weekend and it's all good news. No Raven fans will be in attendance because they either can't afford the plane fare or don't have a car that can make it that far. So the Broncos will play to their fan base, every gang member from 4 Points and Capital Hill will be there drinking Coors, smoking pot, and giving Peyton the gun sign if he doesn't win. Denver isn't as bad as Baltimore, MD. but it ain't much better. It looks like Vietnam with snow, and the place is a mile high. What a great place to live, you have to walk around with an oxygen tank. Hey, that reminds me they still haven't found the person or persons who killed Jon Benet Ramsey. So Raven fans take a Prozac grab a Coors Lite sit back and watch Denver beat the Raven 37- 14. How come Shanahan of the Skins hasn't been fired for letting his franchise quarterback tear two ligaments on his right knee? How can the plantation owner of the Skins allow this to happen. What's next whipping the players when they refuse to play injured? Hey is it me or is something fucked up here. Kevin Garnett tells Carmelo Anthony that his wife tastes like Honey Nut Cherrios and Carmelo gets suspended for one game. What up with that. Garnett apologized saying she tasted more like Lucky Charms. If the hockey players can have somebody explain to them their new contract then get ready for a riveting 40 plus game season. Maybe the Rangers can win a Stanley Cup if they play 40 games has it been 45 years since there last one? just asking. If Craig Biggio can't make into the Hall of Fame then Pete Rose hasn't got a chance. Mike Stanton didn't even get one vote. Who the fuck even put his name on the ballot. WHATSA MATTA you forgot Piazza was a juicer, I thought semen was a protein, oh well. Somebody look at the before and after picture of Barry Bonds can you get that big eating ribs and chicken?????

TODAYS NEWS

EL Duce Jr., Mario Cuomos' son Andrew will hold his State of the State address. The main topic will be gun control, REALLY. If thats the big problem in New York State then somebody get me a gun so I can kill myself now. Crime families in New York are opposed to expanded gun control regulations fearing they would have to resort to other means of wacking people. New York State is going down the shitter and this asshole is buying a used 1996 Bronco on-line for his daughter. Was he doing this while he is suppose to be working for the people of this state? What a big spender buying a 17 year old vehicle for your daughter. Whatsa Matta couldn't find any Model T's. I'm surprised his daughter didn't demand a Cadillac CTS. Carmelo Anthony got pissed off at Boston Celtic Kevin Garnett for saying his wife tasted like Honey Nut Cherrios. Listen Carmelo when you have a wife with the name La La your lucky thats all he said. Most women I know named La La are fucking pole dancers. Thank God for the tight gun control laws already in place because this could have turned into a Ray Lewis situation.Ya think????? Would you believe that 39% of woman polled (NO NOT POLED ) believe abortion rights are the most important issue facing them. I guess so because last year a record number of abortions were performed in the United States. Aren't we a morally bankrupt country.Hey ladies do us a favor and close your fucking legs. I guess they can't afford a contraceptive device and the guys that are dicking them don't know how to use a condom. Whatsa Matta facials aren't popular anymore. I will have to assume Mark Sanchez is into the MILF scene. How else do you explain the tat on Rex Ryan's arm. Or is he into the DILF scene?

THIS IS FOR THE BIRDS

71,000 plus convicted criminals and miscreants packed into Death Row Stadium to watch the Ravens beat the Colts. I didn't know the Colts sucked that much, did you? What was that thing Ray Lewis was wearing on his arm? Is that a new gun arm holster, how about the dance he did at the end of the game, he calls it The Not Gulity Verdict Dance. UM, I wonder why. Then this guy is wearing a Psalms 91 teeshirt under his uniform, I guess you find religion after your found not guilty of murder. How long after he retires before somebody gets killed ( Again ). Ravens get eliminated Saturday in Denver. Listen if you don't live in Maryland and your a Raven fan,god bless ya. and whats with the fixation with birds for their sports teams. A fucking Raven an Oriole as the team symbols? Whatsa Matta you don't like pigeons. The best thing about Maryland is driving through it. ( Just make sure your doing 55) You can get murdered in Baltimore but you can't speed. The Celtics play the Knicks tonight or the Irish play the Black Irish tonight. Talk about stupid asses Shanahan should have been fired right after the game for allowing RG3 to even start against the Seahawks. It's not too late fire him today. Nice way to handle your franchise player, if im the owner your outta here. Hey, Pete Carroll don't get to excited your team barely beat a team with a crippled player you get eliminated Sunday in Atlanta. You sucked as the Jet coach and you still suck. The Number 1 movie this weekend was " Texas Chainsaw 3D' and your telling me this country is headed in the right direction. FUHGETABOUTIT

NOW THIS TAKES THE CAKE

Did anybody catch the picture of Rex Ryan laying on his fat ass with a tattoo on his arm of his wife wearing a number 6 jersey. If you have to ask who number 6 is then just delete this fucking e-mail. What up with that? Who did this tat, Lighthouse for the Blind? Ive seen better tattoos being sold at the Dollar Store. Rumor has it his other arm has a tattoo of Eli Manning with his pants down around his ankles banging his wife. This just proves this idiot has got to go. What is he thinking about? Either Sanchez and Ryan are banging each other or Sanchez is banging his wife while Rex is sucking her toes. Hey whoever gets his room at the Atlantis make sure they fumigate the place before you enter. Hey McElroy you want the starting position as quarterback you better assume the position ( Pun Intended ). My only hope is that when a new GM is named Rex will join Sporano on Line E. JUST GET THE FUCK OUT. Talk about somebody who got the fuck out, Nick Swish- a-licious is now a Cleveland Indian. No not that kind of indian, a baseball Indian. This pant load got a 56 million dollar four year contract. Rumor has it they signed him because his grin looks just like the Chief Wahoo Logo. Yankee fans were heard saying Nick who? Racing at Aqueduct today, enuf said. It is day 110 of the NHL strike and the players say they are just fine living on their unemployment check of 425.00 per week. They claim thats more than they make playing hockey. I got an idea, let the players get a tattoo of their union sucking the owners dicks. Here are my football picks for Wild Card Weekend, The Jets and Giants didn't make it, just get the fuck over it. Texans over Bengals, Colts over the Ravens at the Ravens. Bullet proof vest will be handed out to the first 30,000 that can make there alive. Skins overe Seattle Pete Carroll you suck, Packers over the Vikings. Go get your discount double check now. Hey stupid there at Lambeau. Whatsa Matta you have a Sanchez tattoo, just kill yourself now

OOO BOYYYYYY

Did you hear that Kim Kardashian is impregnated with the demon seed of Kanye West?. I guess this means she was getting dicked without a condom, so much for safe sex.Can you imagine how big that ass of hers will get? knowing that family she will be selling ad space on that fuckin monster rear end of hers. whatsa matter they don't make condoms in Magnum Horse Hung size. Can't somebody hack his phone to get the pictures of him back dooring this hoe bag, talk about a horror film..jezzzzz Doesn't Kanye know that many a black dick had her before he did,i think the count is up to 47 and counting, So we will have another kid born out of wedlock to a black man, only difference is this is a wealthy black man. Rumor has it they will name the kid Purple Haze and if it is a boy they can hook him up with Jay z's kid Blue Ivy. Isn't she a wonderful role model for young girls..... can you tell i hate this walking cum stain.... Ray Lewis of Raven fame will retire when the football season comes to an end. We will count the days until he is found holding a smoking 357 magnum or a knife covered in blood doing his imitation of O.J. Does Ford still make the Bronco? Did you know the Baltimore ranks in the top 5 for murder, gee I wonder why, anybody wanna take a guess. Here is some good news 60,000 syrians have been killed in Syria during the 21 month civil war, finally some encouraging numbers. Former V.P. Al Gore is selling his TV network to Arab broadcaster Al Jazeera, well isn't Al a great American, just another douche that would do anything for a buck. The politicians in New York and New Jersey are upset that Congress didn't pass a 60 billion with a B Sandy Relief Bill. First of all who came up with that number? second, who is in control of this money? third, how hard is it to steal 60 billion, ooh ooh I can answer that one, apparently not hard at all if Chuck Schumer and Andrew Cuomo are involved. Patti Page died at the age of 85, I guess this means she doesn't have to know " How much is that Doggie in the Window" Here is some good news, the avergae price of an apartment in New York is $ 1,486,692.00 make sure you grab a few before the prices go up. Whatsa Matta you don't qualify for a HUD loan.