TODAYS NEWSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Hey North Korea look in the sky is it a bird, is it Superman???, no it's a fucking B-2 Stealth Bomber ready to turn u into a useless carbon foot print. We ain't sending any troops into No Korea we are just going to vaporize your fuckin ass. Donald Trump already has his architects designing casinos. Hey, Kim Jung UN can you spell KABOOM you fuckin lump of shit, don't fuck with us you slant eyed piece of dog shit.... The dirt bag who hit the Powerball lottery for 338 mil owes 29,000 bucks in child support, do I have to say more.... Blackberry reported they shipped 1 million new Z10 smartphones, they shipped them but did anybody buy them? Have you seen anybody with one? Its global subscriber base is 76 million which shrunk by 3 million. They have 76 milllion subscribers?? who the fuck are they kidding, oh yeah I know, Wall Street. First time jobless benfits rose by 16,000. I guess Obama is right , things are looking better.ya right... Johan Santana's Met career is over. No he wasn't arrested for another rape, he suffered a tear in his shoulder. Listen what do you expect for 137.5 million. Look at the bright side, oh yeah there was no bright side. If you think the Mets will suck this year what till you see the Yankees a torn shoulder would be the least of their problems. Hey Met fans Vegas is taking bets that Jason Bay will hit .300 with 20 home runs. My money is with Vegas. The Auto Show starts today at the mobbed up Javits Center. Parking in the area is 50 bucks, I guess the parking garages are mobbed up as well. Skip the Jap cars unless you want to get cancer from all the plastic they put in their cars. All the, well you know what customers are am talkin about will be by the Mercedes Benz section dreaming about the car they will never own. FUHGETABOUTIT

TODAYS NEWSSSSSSSSSS

Do you know the way to San Jose? Hey Dionne just get the fuck out. You owe 10 mil and only have 25 grand in assets. Who the fuck was your financial advisor? Whitney Houston. You had 5 solid gold hits and won 5 Grammy Awards. I guess you don't have to be too bright to be a singer. Well I guess that old adage applies, " Once you go black you can't get credit "...lmaooooo Do you know how to hit the Lottery? No speakie da english thats how. This fucking guy has been here since he was 19 and can't speak english. What a fucking joke. He plans on buying a car with his 153 mil after taxes but said in keeping with tradition won't get car insurance. Here is another stupid bastard. Defensive tackle for the NY Giants Shaun Rogers picked up some tramp who robbed him of 500 grand in jewelry. Somebody got fucked and it wasn't her. What a stupid bastard. Look up the word STUPID in the dictionary and you will see a picture od Shaun Rogers. I am assuming he had to many concussions or was just born stupid. Here is a shocker, a Port Authority cop was busted for a disabilty scam. This idiot claimed he had an arm injury but was moonlighting as a lead singer for a band called Cousin Sleaze. Another brain busting cop , aren't you surprised and shocked. Anybody know where I can get some H. Oh yeah I know let me call Peter Kalikows kid. Watch how the corrupt judicial system lets this kid skate. We have the best judicial system money can buy. Just ask Lindsay Lohan

WHAT A PAIR OF BALLS

The Yankees have some balls, the average price of a ticket for opening day is 100 bucks. Hank Steinbrenner said he wanted the price of the ticket to match the average age of his players. This has got to be the oldest team in baseball history. The average price for a Met ticket for opening day is 90 bucks. The idiot that owns this team, Fred Wilpon said he wanted to match the average David Wright will hit this year. Just think about going to a game to watch these two loser New York Teams battle it out for last place while paying 10 bucks for a beer, 6.50 for a hot dog and screaming you suck at your favorite player. PRICELESS. Talk about priceless did you hear about Pedro from Passaic who won the powerball jackpot worth 333 mil. This guy no speakie the english. Hopefully he takes his 152 mil after taxes and goes back to the Dominican Republic. Trust me 1 year from now we read he is bankrupt and living on the streets of Miami. Me jealous? You bet your ass I am. The daughter of Peter Kaligow who is the former owner of The New York Post was arrested along with her stupid boyfriend for selling heroin in their Bronx neighborhood. Whatsa Matta daddy isn't sharing his 500 mil with you. Do us all a favor and take an overdose of your own shit. Did you hear about the guy who served 23 years in prison for a crime he didn't commit. First he gets put away for 23 years get released for a wrongful conviction and then has a heart attack the day after his release.. This guy doesn't have any luck and should never play the lottery. Don't we a terrific criminal justice system. Just lethally inject me now. Balls said the Queen if I had two I would be King. FUHGETABOUTIT

TODAYS NEWS

Did you hear about the person who bought a fuckin bowl at a yard sale for a couple of bucks and it turned out to be worth 2.2 million dollars. I bought a baseball card at a yard sale for 100 bucks and it turned out to be worth 1.50.wtfffffff..... President Stupid is in Isreal for his first visit since being President Stupid. Somebody put diesel fuel in the Presidential Limo, just in case you didn't know it runs on something he is trying to ban, GASOLINE. Did someone in his entoruage think it was a Mercedes? I'm guessing the guy that did fuel these vehicles was let go due to sequestration. No sequestration isn't the same as castration but pretty damn close. Guess what couldnt pass in Congress? The ban on assault weapons, thats right the NRA is that powerful and so are the people that are members. So fuck you Harry Reid and your lefty douche buddies. Now go ahead and make my day. Did you hear about this? Alzheimers doesn't just affect the elderly. Did you hear about this? Alzheimers doesn't just affect the elderly, I remember somebody saying Alzheimers doesn't just affect the elderly.ooops sorry i think i just said that 3 fuckin times or was it 4 times... Talk about the elderly Derek Jeter will miss opening day due to stiffness is the ankle he broke. His boy friend was overheard saying thats about the only thing stiff on this guy. Whatsa matta you thought he was straight. I wonder what its like to root for a bunch of pantloads, I am referring to the Islanders. I would rather stick a fork in my eye than watch them play. Do you think there 99.9% white fan base will follow them into the Gustapo Center in Brooklyn. Not unless they are into getting mugged. You won't be seeing Jay Z at no stinking hockey game. Is there anything worse than watching March Madness? Yeah watching their commercials with Dick Vitale. Well the DICK part is right. FUHGETABOUTIT.

"SENZA SCARPE" NO SHOES

The New Pope refused to wear the shoes Judy Garland wore in The Wizard of Oz. Thats right he opted to wear his own shoes not the red patent leather Versace's they normally wear. OMG whats next not wearing the Papal assless chaps under the Albs. How radical is the Pope. Talk about asses Tom Seaver better known as Tom Terrific thought he had a stroke or dementia but then forget he had a stroke or dementia because he really had the symptoms of Lyme disease. No you don't get Lyme disease from Lime. He probably got bit by a tick on that shit vineyard he owns in Napa Valley. Note to Tom, stay off the vineyard and stick to being an obnoxious ass that you are and some day you wil have a Rotunda named after you. The Rangers have a chance to make the payoff if they don't play any Canadian teams but since this is hockey it don't look good. Carmelo Anthony may return to the Knicks on Sunday, boy thats good news because by then they should be out of 1st Place. This is what happens when your franchise player is a pant load. Talk about pant loads David Wright hurt his rib playing for Team USA. Words can't describe what a homo he really is. Whats next the tampons he wears irritate his crotch. FUHGETABOUTIT

TODAYS NEWS

Please dial 1 for English or hold the line for a Spanish speaking Pope. Well this Pope isn't 80 but he is pretty damn close. I guess with the Catholic Church having a large majorty of latinos, decided that it is best to have someone that can speak to them in their native language. Barack Hussein Obama was the first black President and now we have our first Latin American Pope. Could the end really be near, correction Bill Clinton was the first black president. The Iphone is about to get blown away with the unveiling of the new Samsung Galaxy Smartphone. The yuppies will be beside themselves when they see this 5 inch screen 13 megapixel camera and quad core processor from Samsung. The yuppies will be crashing their Hondas into brick walls. You still gonna hold onto your Apple stock? The Knick went into Denver and as I predicted lost to the Nuggets. They continue losing tonight against Portland. Why do Latino Baseball players have bad hamstrings and black basketball players have bad knees. What up with that. Hey Carmelo YOU SUCK. Has anybody seen the Wendys commercial with Dick Vitale. You can win a lunch with Dick Vitale. Who the fuck would want to eat lunch with this idiot, BABY. Imagine a conversation with this pant load. Baby hows your burger and Baby how's you fries Baby. JUST GET THE FUCK OUT. Just another reason to hate March Madness. Has anybody seen the Notre Dame uniforms? Who designed those outfits. Helen keller and her staff at the blind center??? enuf said and FUHGETABOUTIT

I DON'T GET IT

What is the world coming to when you can't fanatize about cooking your wife in the oven and having a nice chianti to go with it.Trust me you can't make this shit up... The Cannibal cop was found guilty for a fantasy and a fetish? No crime was committed so what am i missing other then this fuckin looon belongs in a wacky ward not in prison with people who actually commit these crimes....i don't fuckin get it, your tellin me if you actually write or say shit like this you can actually be put away this makes no sence to me ..jezzzz i hope thinking about having 5 women sitting on my face isn't considered a crime cause if it is i am leaving town..lmaoooooooooooooo. Lets face it the guy is a sick fuck but he didn't threaten, harm or kill anybody. Better not let the authorities spot anything on your computer they deem inappropriate, big brother is watching. Mayor Stupid of New York said he will file an appeal because his ban on large size soda was overturned by the State Supreme Court. Hey stupid is this what we waste taxpaper dollars on? Why don't you drive to Washington, D.C. pick up Barack Hussein Obama get on I-95 south and keep going till you hit water. A new Pope has been selected, white smoke was seen billowing from Vatican or was the building on fire. La Costro Nostra has elected a new Pope oops I mean the Cardinals. Did you hear about this asshole, a 44 year old graffiti artist yeah thats right 44 years old was arrested and charged with 68 counts of scrawling his signature tag. His tag name is " 2MEAN" I think it should be " 2STUPID" WHAT A FUCKING PUTZZ. Sales at Costco are up 8% and net income rose 39%, I guess people can't get enough of the 12 pack of 64 oz mayonnaise I guarantee the 39 percenters shop there. The Sabres beat the Rangers last night and you don't think the Rangers suck. Fuhgetaboutit. Knicks at the Nuggets tonight if the guy whose wife tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios can get his act together they win . Im going with the Nuggets

OOOOO BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Ths Cardinals are sequestered in Rome to pick the next Pope. This is not the same as sequestration. Sequestration is the Presidents way of saying you are going to get fucked. Sequestered means somebody is gonna get fucked but it ain't you and me. All boys in Rome under the age of 13 have been advised to stay off the streets. The italians hold a majority for the vote so you can fuhgetaboutit being a legit vote.lmaooooo just kidding of course.... So we all wait to see what color smoke comes out of the chimney. We can only hope they are smoking some good shit and they finally pick a Pope thats speaks English. My money is on the guy that can barely walk and is over 80.Mayor Stupid of New York had his ban on soda overturned by the State Supreme Court. Hey Bloomberg how about banning you being mayor because you aint worth a shit, just get the FUCK OUT. I could buy a 64 oz soda at 7-11 but I couldn't at McDonald's ? You give stupid a bad name. Here is some good news, Kodak is preparing to come out of bankruptcy. How can you come out of bankruptcy when you just had a quarterly loss of 412 mil and net sale declined 24% Here is my suggestion GO BANKRUPT. oh thats right you already are. Dick' Sporting Goods stock fell 11% and they are blaming it on Lance Armstrong Livestrong Brand, REALLY. Somebody must be dicking me around. Atlantic City Casinos brought in 12.5% less gamblers than they did a year ago. The casinos stated the only people gambling in AC are the chi-coms and old ladies. It is just a matter of time when AC reverts back to the dump it always was. The Knicks had a game last night but anybody tell them that, they lost by 30 points, talk about point shaving. Not to worry Knick fans ist round of playoffs and they are packing. Trusting a Championship to Carmelo, I DON'T THINK SO.

TODAYS NEWS

The U.S. is conducting military drills in So. Korea, so whats the guy with the bad hair cut in No Korea gonna do about it. NOTHING thats what unless he wants to get vaporized and I don't mean with Vicks. Were you one of the mindless 8.6 million viewers watching Duck Dynasty. How fucking riveting is this show. Dah, Uh, What and Hey now thats some profound vocabulary. I guarantee the 8.6 mil viewers are from Arkanasas, Mississippi, Alabama and Louisiana and Mass. Listen I include Mass. because they kept re-electing the murderer Ted Kennedy ( Not too Bright ) but I digress. Meanwhile the story of the Bible was on the History Channel, that might be to deep for the aforementioned. I forgot they may not even have cable in those states and if they do can they get reception on the front porch. I always thought the couch and refrigerator are suppose to be in the house. Oh well. Tiger Woods won the Doral Open and who gives a shit. Now it is on to Augusta where he once again has to prove he is white. Hey this is Augusta, No Blacks, or Woman AND NO WOMAN THAT ARE 39 percenters. Here is some good news Rihanna has laryngitis, now I could listen to that all day. Maybe she needs a good throat coating from Chris Brown

HAVE YOU HEARD

We arrested Osama Bin Laden's son-in-law. This arrest was so important you can find it on page 10 of The Daily News. I thought we killed terrorists? This fucking towel head was arrested making an illegal u-turn on his camel. He is now locked up at Metropolitan Correctional Center. Hey for this guy its like living in the Hilton. I hope he aint in the same cell that John Gotti spent time in. Just asking. Im sure he will get treated real good in there. 3 square meals, endless amount of drugs, sex with the female or maybe male guards and a prayer rug. Praise Allah.Wow that was close because at first I thought it said they arrested Obama. Did you hear about a guy who bought a house for 300 grand and found 30 million dollars worth of paintings in the garage. I can relate to that, I bought a house for 475 grand and found cockaroaches in the basement.wtfffffffffffff What up with that. Did you hear about the woman volunteer that got killed by a lion at a California Santuary? An autopsy revealed she died of a broken neck, there was no sign of rape. I wonder if she was one of those 39 percenters. ( Don't ask ). Another star is about to burn out. No not the ones that crash into Russia, Justin Beiber. He has been seen walking around half naked, wearing a gas mask, and now he collapsed on stage. Doctors attribute his strange behavior to an intake of too much protein ( Do I have to draw a picture ).What a fucking pant load.Here is something to look forward to. Hillary Clinton would be a front runner for 2016. Somebody just shoot me now. 8 years of Obama and then Hillary, can you say NYET

TODAYS NEWS

Wham-O has informed me that No Korea has ordered a rubber-band balsa toy plane so they can load a nuclear warhead destined for the U.S. They promised to pay for it with two quarts of rice and one inoperable 56 DeSoto. Kim Jung Un, better known as the guy with the worst haircut than a marine is threatening to attack the U.S. Does this guy ever watch the History Channel I suggest he catch the next episode where we drop two bombs on the Japs and the rest is history. Maybe he hasn't seen our Pacific Fleet that can turn No. Korea into a fucking parking lot for the new Trump Casinos. I guess you don't have to be intelligent to be the dick-tator of No. Korea. Hey Un, look up in in the sky, its a bird, its a plane, no you stupid mother fucker its a B-1 to dispatch you from the face of this earth. The Republican Party has been reduced to Rand Paul filibusting on the Senate floor while eating a MIlky Way.yup a fucking candy bar Whatsa Matta you were afraid you would choke on Milk Duds. Just sit down and shut the fuck up. Sales of Jack Daniels is overflowing ( Pun Intended ) Sales rose 7% to 1.03 billion. I will toast to that. They credit the increase in sales to Obama. The worse things get the more people drink. The stock Market reached new highs, then why did my stock in JC Penney go from 31.71 a shore to 14.43. What up with that.

I AM ALL IN

Another scumbag has been dispatched from the planet, no not Alec Baldwin but the one and only dicktactor Hugo Chavez. He died at age 58 from cancer. We can only hope it was a miserable death. It won't be long till another prick joins him, Fidel Castro. Hell will be filling up rather quickly. Chavez will now join his buddy Saddam Hussein. Hey Chavez, just get the fuck out. Oh yeah he did. Speaking of scumbags how's that sequestration working out for you, do I have to explain. Here is some good news Smith & Wesson posted its biggest quarterly revenue and was at full capacity to meet demand for the last four quaters. I don't know about you but I'm still waiting for my .357..... Talk about things being shot J C Penney shares slumped 11% to a four year low can you say Chapter 11. Marc Staal took a puck to the face last night, not to worry he said thats not the first time he had something black near his face. Rangers beat the Flyers from Cheese Steak PA., enuf said. Yankees are on Yes at 1:00. Thank GOD the Mets play at 12:30 and they are not televised. Mark Teixeora strained his right arm combing his fucked up hair. The Yankees are now hiring a trainer that specializes in geriatric care. The three blind mice, Woody Johnson, John Idzik and Rex Ryan are trying to get rid of Darrelle Revis. I got an idea how about the three of you get the fuck out. General Motors unveiled the new Corvette, instead to two tailpipes it now has four. Aren't you fucking kidding me...thats the best they can come up with...................

ITS ALMOST 11:59 PM

Does anybody know what sequestration is? No stupid its not when they cut your fuckin nuts off, but pretty close. It is the Republicans way of telling Obama to just GET THE FUCK OUT. How come its a crime to lie to the government buts its not a crime when the government lies to us. By us I mean the American people. It must be a very important issue because it is on page 16 of the Daily News. There are trying to tell us that 85 billion in cuts will cripple this country. We owe 16 trillion what the fuck is 85 billion. We pissed more than that away to save General Motors. Yeah the same car company that fucked the unions, the american people and builds cars that rank 14th with Hyundai. If 85 billion can destroy our economy than what are the Chi-coms waiting for. Just more bull shit from your elected officals so they can ram it up our ass. Oh I mean so they can keep ramming it up our ass. Hey Obama, Hugo Chavez is on his death bed maybe you can run for President of Venezuela. " Escuchar a Saludar al Jefe ", Listen if the Pope can resign why can't Obama. Who cuts Kim Jong Uns hair The dick tator ( Spelled correctly ) of No Korea, you can't be taken seriously with a hairdo like that. He makes Dennis Rodman look normal. Why was Rodman in North Korean anyhow? was he looking for some yung boys. ( Get it ). Who will be the next leader of the Italian Mafia, oops I mean Vatican. Mario Cuomo said its tough to be the Pope after you were the il re of New York. Fuhgetaboutit. Rangers won last night we need alot more help then 1 fuckin win.