HOLY HANNA

Scientists now say the Mayan calendar was interputed incorrectly and the world will not come to an end on Dec. 21, 2012.Did they just figure this out, are you fucking kidding me...can i put the sand bags away and the 1,000 lbs of can goods i was hoarding...lol lol These scientists just ruined my day. Tom Cruise and katie Holmes have called it quits. She cited in the divorce papers that she was tired of wearing a strap on. Now him and Vinny Barbarino can hang out and I do mean hang out. Miley Cyrus and her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth were seen fighting over a very large mirror. I don't know who is prettier him or her. Kelly Osbourne stumbled off a flight at LAX, I wonder if her drinking has anything to do with her shrinking breasts. Snoop Druggie Doog got busted in Norway for carrying 8 grams of mary jane.WTF Anybody got a scale? How much is 8 grams? If you go to the movies this weekend to see "Magic Mike" you might have homosexual tendencies or you have a thing for seeing men wearing tight leather pants and no shirts. So come to think of it either way you might like some dick. No excuses, like oooo the music was really good in it or my wife made me go, will be acceptable. 5,000 people will be losing there jobs at Blackberry. No wonder who the fuck buys a Blackberry? oh yeah I know the same people who still play Atari.

IN THE NEWS

Did you hear about this? We are now down to My Two Sons. Yup, Don Grady now joins Ed MacMurray and William Frawley. So I guess that means they won't be reuniting for a remake of this classic. Guess who won't be 93. Doris Singelton she was the neighbor on the Lucille Ball show, remember her? neither the fuck do I. You think you got problems, Kelly Osbourne is unhappy that her breast are shrinking. What up with that. First her brother announces he has MS and now this.I think ozzy is rubbing off on her what a fuckin wack.... Reseachers found the oldest Pearl in the world. No it wasn't in an oyster dinner at Red Lobster. It was found inside some schmucks tomb in the United Arab Emirates and date back to 5500 BC wtf was it doing in someones tomb, was it to big to cash in back in that day.... Two gobers from Tennessee found 13,000 dollars in a bag outside a Piggly Wiggly, no they didn't go inside and buy 13 grand worth of Marlboros and Pabst, they actually returned it. I told you there aren't to smart down south. If your stupid enough to lose a bag of cash with 13 grand in it then you don't deserve to get it back you fucking boooob..... Do you know what city has the worse bed bug problem? Cincinnati, are you surprised, I'm not, but I thought it would be Alabama. Did you here about the jobless guy in New York that rescued a baby that fell into the path of an oncoming train? He was offered a job as a janitor at Kennedy Airport.are you fucking kidding me ,you save a childs life and they offer you to go clean shitty toilets are you kidding me or what.... Next time just leave the baby lay there.....you just can't make this shit up

THE YANKS

The Yankees are in a pitching mess. CC Sabathia strained a muscle trying to lift a fuckin double meat Subway hero. Andy Pettitte has a fractured ankle from a softly hit line drive. Andy get the fuck out you are 90 in baseball years. The Yankees are calling up Red Ruffing and Hideki Irabu from the dead. Nick Swisher volunteered to fill in for Pettitte while he rehabs at a nursing home in the Bronx.And By the way who in the fuck cuts Teixeiras' hair? Lighthouse for the Blind? Great move by the Marlins signing Jose Reyes. I see he is leading his new team right into last place just like he did with the Mets. He is the second biggest douchebag on the planet. Do you remember who will always hold the number 1 spot? Big soccer game today, Germany vs Italy. I was informed Italy would forfeit the game to Germany to forgo total destruction of the country. Anyway, the Italians said it would interfere with their 3:00 o'clock espresso break. Whatsa matta with youuuuu. David Wright tied a team record with his 580th walk. Yes that is correct in fucking walks. Trust me he won't be hitting 580 home runs. Ike Davis is now batting.200. Wow, Wright walking for the 580th time and Ike Davis batting .200 gonna get my season tickets now. I would rather watch womens lesbian golf,then mets baseball. Polo this Sunday at Bethpage State Park, get their early it promises to be an exciting event. Can't wait for the Chukker to begin. Did you know there are 6 Chukkers in a game. Most exciting 43 minutes in all of sports. SHOOT ME NOW

THE LAKERS

There is a big mess in Tinseltown. First The Lakers traded Lamar Odom to dallas and what I heard, it was because all the celebrities who go to the game could not deal with the douche bag kardashian sisters because kims ass got in the way of the players leaving the bench and also blocked the floor seats. Thats one big fuckin ass so they ran his ass out of town, then they got beat by The Thunder. The fuckin Thunder? you gotta be kidding me. Jezzzzzz, The Heat beat The Thunder, how fuckin hard can it be. And Now Ramon Sessions just told then to take this job and shove it. I think with a name like Ramon Session he must be hung like a friggin horse and rumors are he went into the porn biz and will make more than the measly 4.5 mil The Lakers were going to pay him. I still can't believe they couldn't beat a team from Oklahoma, WOW.... Kobe has 2 years left on his contract and will be 70 when his contract expires. Thats 70 in basketball years, he is shot. How is he going to play the next two years using a walker and an oxygen tank on his back. I got an idea, why not bring back Phil Jackson, no, not to coach but to play. Listen since you are down a point guard why not ask Sasha Vujacic to come out of retirement. What ever happened to Javaris Crittenton? was he ever convicted of murder. Maybe he's available if he's not serving 20 to Life. Well judging from some of these names it seems to me the next point guard won't have a name like George or Bob. Just find somebody without a fucking rap sheet would be an accomplishment. No wonder Jack goes to the Laker games, its like one flew over the cuckoos nest. Whatsa matter you couldn't be a Celtic fan.

WHAT A WEEKEND OF SPORTS

Italy and Germany will play each other in the Euro 2012 Soccer Semifnals. The last time these two played with each other was WWII. It didn't work out too well for either of them. It promises to be as fucking boring as any other soccer game. The score will be 2-1 or 1-0. 120 minutes of foreigners running the fuck back and forth trying to kick or head a big round ball into a king sized net.And I thought Polo sucked. Talk about suck how about that Met bullpen. Francisco was put on the 15 disabled list with a strained oblique. Trust me he didn't strain it lifting a salad bowl. I don't know who sucks more Francisco, Batista or Rauch, its a tie they all suck. Not only do the Mets suck but so does every team in that division. Did you hear this shocking news? Kevin Youkiis was traded from the Sox to the Sox. Youkilis stated he couldn't take one more splinter in the ass from sitting on the dugout seats in Boston and Sox was easy to spell. Well guess what? Neither can the fans. Youkilis was traded for 2 bats a glove and a couple of wendy gift certificates. Don't let the club house door hit you in the ass on the way out. The fans that were still sober and could actually stand up applauded Youkilis for what seemed like 10 seconds. If you want to know why I love the Yankees just take a look at Swish-a-licious.i love this guys act, always smiling not like the rest of some of the overpaid shitbags on the team. Rumor has it Derek Jeter was seen making out with Lance Bass, are you shocked? Because I ain't. Whatsa Matta you thought this guy was straight. Just before you kill yourself Wimbledon started today at 6:30 A.M. Tennis anyone. Just fucking shoot me now FUHGETABOUTIT

A LITTLE SHIT

Guess who won't be celebrating his 92nd birthday? You guessed it, LeRoy Neiman. You ever see this guys paintings? My 3rd grade paint by number painting looked better. This is the guy who drew Mike Piazza and Ali. Too bad it wasn't a picture of Piazza wearing a World Series Ring. Oh yeah he's another big signing for the Mets that never brought them a World Series. Just like Reyes didn't win one for them and he ain't gonna win one for the Marlins, but I digress. Too bad he didn't paint Ali when he landed that phoney knock out punch on Listons so called chin. There is only one sport more corrupt than boxing, horse racing. Talk about boxing the number one douche bag on the planet Alec Baldwin is at it again. WTF is this guys problem? .His mother did some job raising these dickhead kids of hers, 2 losers and a maniac that actually thinks he is talented. Alec next time you are shooting 30 Rock do us a favor and jump off the fucking building. Guess who won't be taking the stand in his "I love young boys" sex trial. Jerry ( let me touch you inappropriatley ) Sandusky. Hopefully the government can prove this lump of shit is guilty, after all he is charged with 51 counts so they have a fifty fifty chance. Unless the jury believes 10 boys were just fuckin around. I DON"T THINK SO.... Did you hear that Justin Beiber fell down a flight of stairs and was knocked unconscious? rumor has it that Jerry Sandusky was not involved.

THE JUICE

When I mention"The Juice" I ain't talking about O.J. Simpson. Im talking about Roger Clemens and his wife "Botox Clemens", I even think his kids are on the roids.have you seen these friggin kids, These kids look like they could be in a remake of The Sopranos. FUHGETABOUTIT. Wasn't it nice to see that he got off the hook. Not because the jury found him not guilty but the government took it right up THE OL POOP SHOOT. How many millions of taxpayer dollars did the government waste on trying to prove 3 counts of making false statements 2 counts of perjury and 1 count of obstructing Congress. Are you fucking kidding me? Everytime Obama or a goverment official opens their mouth they are guilty of all of the above lol lol i mean wtffffffffffffff BUT SERIOUSLY are we kidding with this shit. This had all the makings of a mob trial. The government trying to frame a hard working man and the mob rat ( Andy Pettitte ). Well nobody believed the rat because he kinda forgot his fucking story. Who gives a shit if he injected himself with Preparation H,or whatever it was, no one gives a fuck,could those millions that the goverment spent feed hungry children fuck yaaaaa but it did'nt. is it going to change anyones life,at the end of the day do you think anyone will even give this a second thought its fucking baseball not real life, what the fuck does the goverment not get, its none of the the governments fucking business. It was a baseball issue and should be handle by MLB.HEY SELIG you old decrepit overpaid fuckhead, take a lesson from your boy who runs the NFL he takes care of his own house in his own way. Now lets level the playing field and set the record straight, if he was juicing and if the hitters were juicing does'nt that even things out and he still won 354 games and has 2 World Series Rings and earned 150 mil, ENUF SAID. Whatsa Matta you think he was the only one juicing....Now here is a case that our goverment should get involved with because this piece of dog shit who ruined little boys lives and should be hung by his nutsack, You ever hear of this guy, Jerry Sandusky. This guy wasn't doing roids he was doing little boys. 51 counts of sexual abuse of 10 boys. I sure hope the government can get one conviction out of the 51. I just want to know why one of the fathers didn't put a bullet in this scumbags head. Well, when and if he goes to the big house, Bubba will show him whats it like to be the bottom bitch. Did you know that grown men showered with younger men and boys at Penn State and it wasn't uncommon. Another reason I hate Pennsylvania. First The Amish, then the Phillies, then the Eagles and now this. Do you actually believe he only assaulted 10 boys. Neither do I. It's way more you can bet your ass it is......

I'M BACK BABY

Guess what happened to Rodney King? No he wasn't beaten again. He went for a swim in his pool and I guess he didn't know he couldn't swim. Yup thats right he drowned. Listen if your are black and think going for a dip is a good idea think again. You fuckin guys can't swim.When was the last time you saw a black guy on the olympic stage with a gold medal around his neck for swimming you have'nt cause it aint gonna happen. I wonder if he was found trying to swim with cement shoes, just asking. While we are on the subject of beatings why weren't the cops beating the "Stop Frisking protesters" on 5th ave this weekend. Yup this was organized by big Al and his "Keep the Black Man Down" Network. Listen if you didn't want to beat the black protesters you should have at least beaten the white assholes. Lets face the facts a majority of crime is being committed by, thats right you are correct. The white scumbags are defrauding investors and looting corporations. I think they call it "LETS FUCK THE WHITE PEOPLE AND RUN" Collar Crime. They ain't stealing Iphones, gold chains,sneakers and robbing the po folk.... Greece accepted a German bailout tied to harsh spending cuts, now isn't that a pain in the ass so to speak no pun intended. Guess what happens when two black guys are banging the same girl? You guessed right. Now do I have to splain, then FUHGETABOUTIT. Im just surprised they aren't fighting over a white chick. Talk about beatings how about that Tiger Woods. This guy doesn't suck enough, somebody should beat this guy with a nine iron and I mean physically beat him. There isn't a bigger douchebag on the planet, I stand corrected Alec Baldwin is the biggest douchebag on the planet. Go Stony Brook, oh yeah I forgot they got pistol whipped by Florida State. Great job by Stony Brook getting beat by a college thats best student has a 1.0 GPA

ITS IN THE NEWS

The Puerto Rican Day Parade was held this past Sunday in New York. Unfortunately the Parade ended halfway through because the marchers pulled their fucking hamstrings.don't all puerto ricans have bad hammys just look at the mets there is proof enough, Isn’t the Puerto Rican Day Parade suppose to be held in Puerto Rico? 40 arrests were made for minor infractions like gun possession, carrying gravity knives, box cutters, a cane and brass knuckles. Was this a fucking parade or a gang meeting. No arrests were made this year for rape, how unusual.... What’s the world coming to when a football player can’t get behind the wheel of his 2011 BMW drunk and sideswipes a bunch of parked cars. First off why is he driving while he is bombed out of his fucking mind, . Second why were the cops profiling, after all he was the only one side swiping cars and why can’t this 6’5” 304 lb steroid laced pant load call a cab. You wanna know why? Because no one ever accused him of being smart. Hey, Diehl why not get another tat while your in prison you fucking idiot. Talk about steroid abuse, The Yankees beat the Braves last night, enuf said. We hope Al Qaeda looking LeBron James doesn’t get a ring, Go Thunder. Did anybody catch the Devils doing their imitation of the Rangers last night. I find it hard to believe Brodeur has three rings.... I was just informed that piece of shit horse Dullahan crossed the finish at 6:30 this morning. In local news Stony Brook reached the College World Series. I wonder how long it will be before members of the team are arrested for DWI. PLAYBALL

AND THEY ARE OFF AND RUNNING

HEYYYY,Fuhgetabouit. Saturday it's the Sport of Kings, The Belmont Stakes. Over 110,000 homeless people will be crammed into Belmont Park to watch "I'll Have Another" have to get euthanised after he approaches the top of the stretch. This nag ain't running with his "Breath Right Nasal" Strips. Can anybody say Elmers glue factory. Anyway who wants to bet a fuckin horse that will pay 2.10. Oh yeah, I know EVERYBODY. Lets be honest this ain't no Secretariat or Man O War. The scent of Drakkar will fill the air, the parking lot will be filled with every Cadillac CTS imaginable, there will be more people with just one arm left on their eyeglasses, no heels left on their shoes and buttons missing from their shirts then you have ever seen. all hoping this is the day they step up from Pabst Blue Ribbon to a Heineken. Well guess what, it aint gonna happen. Whatsa Matta! you didn't see Dullahan on your Racing Form. Every horse entered has a chance because none of them have ever gone a mile and a half. So eliminate Union Rags because anything with Union in it having to work that hard will be finished at the eighth pole. So here are my picks, take Dullahan and Paynter and wheel them. Then take Paynter and Dullahan and wheel them. 40 Bucks, If you aint got the forty trust me there are guys at the track that will loan you the money. Rememeber look for the horse that is sweating, having nervous twitches and a white residue under his nose. Bingo, thats the winner. Now if the stupid ass maintenance workers at Belmont can keep the lights on it should be a good day. Mets play the Yankees tonight. Wait till you see this crowd. The white yuppie douchebags from Greenwich who just got done fucking Facebook investors out of their money and the crowd from Queens who never heard of Facebook who you can't fuck out of any money because they ain't got any.Trust me Murderers Row wasn't named after a great Yankee team, it's the block before you get to the stadium. The Devils survive for one more game, enuf said. Dodgers swept the Phillies, how great is that and Go Celtics. I will see you at the Cashiers Window.

TODAYS NEWS

The Unions and the Democratic Party in Wisconsin suffered a major blow last night. If I have to explain then FUHGETABOUTIT.How did that recall work out for you guys? Next to get soundly defeated is that left leaning pant load that is stinking up the Oval Office. Not to worry all you liberals you have plenty of time to kill yourselfs before the November elections, make sure you record it on your iPhones... Another Al Qaeda member was dispatched from this planet, Abu Yahia al-Libi was having a cup of ginseng tea when a Drone strike interupted his afternoon tea. Anyone wishing to fill this vacant position can go to Monster.Com and submit your application. Only those with criminal records need apply, this is a temporary position with no health or life insurance benefits. While we are on the subject of terrorists the Drakkar wearing maintenance workers at Belmont are threatening to strike on Stakes Day. So what is the NYRA waiting for? Fire them NOW, how hard is it to turn the light switches on and off. I am sure there are plenty of non-union electricians that could fill these positions. Scout WILLIS was arrested for underage drinking and presenting a fake I.D. What a surprise that the daughter of Demi "WHIP IT" Moore was arrested. I am shocked aren't you? She explained at her arrest that she drinks because her parents named her Scout.Was'nt that the name of a fucking horse. Listen they could have named her Blue Ivy.... Miley Cyrus got engaged to someone prettier than her. I can see the divorce already, who gets custody of the mirror. Lets move onto sports, Nats 7 Mets Suck, I actually thought I was watching a Ducks game. LeBron and the Heat are one game away from being eliminated, Yankees beat Tampa Bay, enuf said and the Devils should just forfeit game 4 and avoid further embarassment. Subway Series this weekend at Yankee Stadium. If you can survive the subway ride and then make it to the stadium without getting shot you will be in the drawing to win a 8x11 photo of David Cone exposing himself.

TECH NEWS

Hey all of us who own an iPhone, guess what. Samsung is coming out with their S3. This thing will make our Apple phone look like a can with a string attached . It has a 4.8 inch display, 8 megapixel camera and multitasking screen with face and voice recognition. With a price of 199.00 for the 16GB model. Bet we all feel stupid now for owning this shitbox.... How about all you Facebook investors, not time to slash your wrist yet but getting pretty close so don't put that razor blade away. If you bought in at 38 bucks and it closed at 26.90 I'm no mathematician but I think your getting fucked and fucked hard. Research in Motion stock slid below 10 bucks a share can anybody say say goodbye Blackberry. Listen if you still have a Blackberry chances are you never got rid of your fuckin beeper. In other words you are technology challenged. Verizon plans to get rid of 1700 deadbeat employees. They will be offered a buyout package, if they don't accept they could be laid off period. Whatsa Matta, its an offer you can't refuse. Ex-Gov El Duce Cuomo has been married to his wife for 58 years. Yes the same guy who stumbles around Forest Hills asking dumpsters if they know who he is. His son Andrew wants to legalize mary jane,pot,weed or whatever you want to call it so his father doesn't have to say he uses it for medical reasons.This is some pair of coconuts.... Lindsay Lohan will portray Elizabeth Taylor in a TV picture about Richard Burton. How fitting they finally found someone who has been dicked more times than Taylor. What does Richard Burton think about that, Oh yeah he is fucking dead

NO CUP FOR YOU JERSEY

What happened to the N J Devils? Marty Brodeur picked up some bad habits watching Lundqvist. First off how do you let another team score at will in one game. Hard to believe this putz has three rings. Guess what, he won't have a forth. How do you win when your opponents score 8 goals in 3 games and you score two. Hint Hint, you don't.... Talk about stupid, how about that Al Qaeda member look a like Lebron James. This stupid tatted up douche fouling out with 1:51 seconds remaining in overtime in game 4 Hey Lebron I guess we won't be seeing you at any mensa meetings. And we won't be seeing you after you lose to the Celtics.... The douchebag maintenance workers are threatening a strike at Belmont on Stakes Day. Whatsa Matta ! all of a sudden after three years you realized you were working without a contract. Well here is my plan for "youse guys". Go look for another tit job because you are all fired, typical low rent union stunt. GET THE FUCK OUT. I can get a monkey to change a fucking light bulb.... The Mets take on the Nats for 1st place tonight. Now if David Wright could get a hit with runners on base we stand a chance to win. Several other miracles must happen and the stars must be in proper alignment. Ike Davis acutally has to make contact with his bat. My sister had a better batting average than .164 The starting pitchers must go all the way. Counting on Acosta or Rauch will result in an automatic loss. How much are the Yankees paying Andy Pettitte to be a 500 pitcher. I will tell you, WAY TOO MUCH. Hey Andy, why not tell us some more fascinating stories about how you saw Clemens shoot up with steroids. Yankees play Tampa Bay. Yanks should be in last after this series. Place your vote tonight for what neighborhood is worse the Bronx or Tampa Bay. Im going with tampa bay.

FOREIGN FUCKIN TRUCK DRIVERS

Can somebody tell me how a truck driver who can barely speak fuckin english gets behind the wheel of a fuckin Semi and wanders into the the City of Chicago looking for the biggest building from here to ten buck two.Does Garmin make a GPS you can set to a Russian language. First off, what doesn't this stupid bastard understand. "NO TRUCKS ON THIS ROAD LOW BRIDGE". This sign even has a picture of a truck with a red line thru-it. ( Notice I mention RED LINE ) What about the sign before you go under a bridge, 12' Clearance. Okay, if you can't read this sign it also has a picture of a crushed trailer on it. WHATSA MATTA do these pictures look different in other fucking countries. I'm still trying to figure out how the Russians found there way to Berlin. Doesn't Minsk have any Bridges or Parkways? What is the requirement for these guys to pass a road test here, sign their fucking name? Maybe the textbooks should have a picture of a bridge with the word NYET on it. WTF. I am guessing the Russian immigrants are good at something but it ain't driving tractor trailers. On second thought do they even have a license to drive a truck or maybe its just for limos. Listen guys stick to what you do best, DRINKING VODKA, because you are driving me to fuckin drink. How fucking hard is it to figure out you are on the wrong road when all you see are cars. Listen to me you communist bastards I can get past the language barrier, it's the "stupid asshole barrier" I am having a problem with.