LATE BREAKING NEWS

Dale Robertson won't be making a comeback anyime too soon, he died at age 89. I guess 90 just wasn't in the fuckin cards. He starred in such TV series as Iron Horse, ( No not Ironsides ) , Death Valley Days and Tales of Wells Fargo. He now rides off into the sunset.... The founder of Groupon may get the ax as the companies stock continues too plummet. This was just another Wall Street scam anyway and once again its the investor who takes it up the ass. I wonder if the founders name ends in a vowel. This comes as no surpirse, Oklahoma, Indiana, Louisiana, Ohio and Alabama are five of the most miserable states to live in according to AOL, They were ranked on obesity, stupidity, and income, the only state missing is Mississippi. People from these states may only have one tooth and they ain't taking care of that one.... Cadillac was tied with Hyundai in 14th place for customer satiisfaction. Wow a Cadillac cost 50,000 to 80,000 bucks and a Hyundai cost $5,000 to 20,000 bucks maybe we should have the Koreans build Cadillacs at least they won't be built by a disgruntled teamster. I was wondering where that oil came from in my driveway, Lotus is recalling the Elise and Exige for a potential oil line fire. You get what you pay for i guess, Hey anybody got a match

HOLY JESUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

This is the Pope's last day as leader of the Catholic Church. Rumor has it God told him to " get the F$#@ Out" . Inventory on the Gold Chalices will be completed by midnight tonight and so far there are no reported shortages. Lets face it we all know how Germans love gold. The next Pope could be black or latino What up with that ? Is there a strong possibility GOD really is black OR latino???, OHHHH VEYYYYYYYY. You can call Vegas for the latest odds. Victoria's Secret will be opening their first stores in Hong Kong, just what I want to see a bunch of NO asses with NO tits in sexy lingerie. There aint nothing sexier than a chinese woman is sexy lingerie,OMGGGGGG. J C Penney sales fell 32% in the fourth quarter and do you know why? Their stores eat the mighty one. Listen when Dollar Tree reports a 22% increase in profit its time for J C Penney to do like the Pope and just get the fuck out. How long should I hold onto my Apple Shares, I don't think I should have bought high so I can sell low. Can you say ENRON. Can't wait till opening day at Yankee Stadium, it is Wheelchair day to kick off the season and the wheelchairs are for the old fucking ball players,Geez this fucking team has is own geriatric ward. How can you play at shortstop with a walker. Boxing comes to the Barclays Center in Brooklyn and thats just outside the arena, just kidding Hopkins Vs Cloud. Who you say? Exactly, who the fuck will be in attendance except for their relatives and Jay Z. He already has a fat lip. Sorry Ranger fans but it will be 5 in a row and those 5 ain't wins. Most Ranger fans can't count that high. Guess who you will never see at a mensa meeting? You guessed it a Ranger Fan. Hey Met fans don't get to excited because this team is just one big fucking mess. Tejada has a strained quadricep, Zack Wheeler has an oblique injury and Murphy is out with a strained oblique Johan Santana is out raping women and David Wright sucks, the only good player on the team is Jackie Robinson. Enuf said

JUST SAY YESSSSSSSSS

The city conducted a cash for guns campaign and collected 5,000 guns. Wow, and that was just from the fans entering the Barclay center. Imagine how many guns they would have gotten if they were collecting guns at a Knicks game. Nets won in O/T, kinda late to be walking around that section of brooklyn without a gun. How come black people play basketball but don't attend the games.wut up with that???? The only blacks at a basketball game are Spike Lee and Jay Z. Here is more good news, The Rangers and Islanders lost last night, they couldn't beat these fuckin Canadien teams for shit.what in the fuck is an Ottawa Senator anyway. No wonder hockey has the lowest rating on TV who watches this shit other then me. The only black in hockey is the puck and that's getting beat with a stick,now that aint right.... Rapper Lil Wayne said he had sex with the now wife of Miami Heat forward Chris Bosh before she was married. She fucked Lil Wayne out of 10 grand by saying she needed to pay for cancer treatments. Hey, for 10 grand are you allowed to give her a facial. 1/3 of woman believe abortion is the most important issue they face and we spend 1/3 of our time sleeping, that doesn't leave much time for cooking and cleaning just sayin girls lol lol..... VP Joe Biden opened his mouth again just to insert his foot and I quote " If you want to protect yourself, get a double barreled shotgun. You don't need an AR-15" Is there a dumber man on this planet, oh yeah Alec Baldwin. Hey Alec isn't your mom a breast cancer survivor.... The rotund Kelly Clarkson is feuding with music producer Clive Davis. Davis called her a lousy songwriter. Really? He left out, she blows. I didn't know screaming and screeching was considered a musical talent. I've heard better sound from nails on a black board. CBS anchor Rob Morrison was arrested for beating and choking his wife. When cops asked what do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes, he reportedly said " Nothing, I already told her twice" Whatsa Matta you thought he was a nice guy.

NEWS OF THE DAY

A meteor exploded in the sky over the Russian city of Chelyabinsk with the power of an atomic bomb. Here is the bad news news, nobody was killed. What up with that. Thousands were injured but that doesn't count, Nncyc Xpuctoc which is "jesus christ" in russian... We dropped Atomic Bombs on Japan and at least we killed hundreds of thousands. Too bad this fucking meteor didn't take dead aim on Bei Jing.... Leann Rimes is suing her dentist for messing up her teeth. Leann your a fucking country singer you ain't suppose to have any fuckin teeth. I can see a country hit in her future " He Drilled Me and Filled Me". I hope this tune if heavy on the the fiddles and pedal steel you all.... Kevin Youkilis said " I'll always be a Red Sock. Guess what you stupid bastard you are now getting paid by the N Y Jankees, The Red Sox said get the fuck out. Another stupid sport jock that should just decline any interviews. Did you hear about the legless olympian that shot his model gal pal to death. Police said they caught him because he couldn't run from them. People left Galveston Tx to go on a Carnival cruise to Cozumel, MX. unfortunately the liner ran into trouble and the ship had toilets overflowing making the ship reek of urine and shit. Passengers were overheard saying I left Galveston to get away from the smell of urine and shit. Que Pasa. Don't forget Monday is President's Day and Honda is having a big sale. Whatsa Matta you thought Honda was a Jap Company

A QUICKY

Who is the idiot at Honda that approved a commercial with the likeness of George Washington and Abe Lincoln to sell these shit jap cars on Presidents Day. It's fucking Presidents Day not Emperors Day. So here is the commercial I am proposing to Ford. Picture this, B1 Bombers dropping bunker busting bombs on Tokyo when the smoke clears there is an F-150 driving through the smoke with the American Flag draped over the hood. Hey Honda go fuck yourself. You ain't no American car company and the only people you are fooling are the lefty liberal douchebags that buy those shit cans..... Somebody is making 911 calls from the grave. Did you hear about this. Somebody is making 911 calls from Katie Couric dead husbands phone. Wow now thats what I call long distance and i mean looooong distance( get it ). I hope this guy wasn't buried alive. here is more good news, the number of city homes hit with a foreclosure notice soared 76% in January. Thats right Obama the housing market is finally improving......jezzzzz...... Only in America, American Airlines is in bankruptcy and guess what, they are going to merge with US Airways to form the worlds largest airline. They left out the proper wording, it will be the worlds largest bankrupt airline. You can bet the empoyees got fucked on that deal.

WELL WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

That noise you heard while listening to Barack Obama give his State of the Union spiel were the liberals having an orgasm. There ain't nothing left ( No Pun intended ) to say. The Dems hauled out their poster child for gun control., I won't name names. Gun Control, yeah thats the major issue facing this country while 20 mil plus are on food stamps and unemployment rate is almost 8%. I wish I had a gun. Don't the liberals know that Stalin purged all the intelligencia when he took control. Here is more good economic news, December job openings fell by 173,000 the lowest number since September. I have a question, when your unemployed and going on job interviews how can you be over qualified for a job position, just asking. Another physco cop ended his reign of terror yesterday in California. I'm just surprised he didn't do it while drinking and driving, don't these guys have to pass some kind of fucking physc test.There is a new show coming out tomorrow on AMC. It is call FREAKSHOW and is shot live in my office. Randys' office is the one that looks like a locker room at MetLifeless Stadium, unfortunately my bowling ball was lost in a roof collapse at Smithtown Lanes.OK OK just fuckin with ya...but i will be on friday at 9pm on TLC please don't blame me when i look like a total asshole but if you want some laughs watch it this friday night. The 2020 Olympics may not include wrestling, I guess they are not going after the gay viewers. Has anyone seen the Honda commercial were they use the likeness of George Washington and Abe Lincoln to sell cars for Presidents Day. Using two American icons to sell jap cars, WTF Hey you assholes that buy Hondas, THESE ARE JAPS CARS, it is not an American Company there is nothing left to say except Sayanora.

THE POPE AND STUFF

The Pontiff Pope Benedict has annnounced his resignation effective Feb, 28. Could somebody inventory the Gold Chalices before he leaves LMAOOOOO. What up with that, resigning as the Pope, who's going to watch over the 1 billion gentiles. Aren't you supose to to just die when your the Pope, not resign...wtfffff this is not exxon or citibank is it??? Rumor has it he was overheard saying " get me the fuck outta here". The Pope said he wants to go back to Germany and re-start the Nazi Youth Moverment. Ich Bein Ein Berliner? Now the process begins to find the leader of the Catholic Church. Obama has already said he is not interested in the job. The State of the Union address is tonight, I will be watching yankee Classics on ESPN. Joesef Obama Stalin will be discussing moving the White House closer to Moscow and converting the U S Dollar to the Ruble. His Universal Health Care will include the shooting of the mentally challenged,The elderly, and all Fox News Reporters including Rush Limbaugh. The Republican & Democratic Party will be replaced by a Politboro. Our new National Anthem is Gosudarsuenny Gimn Rossiyskoy Federatsii. Can't wait to hear Beyonce lip sing that one. Nyet. Did you hear about this? The Navy Seal who put a bullet in Bin Ladens head retired after 16 years of service to this country. He was 4 years short to get health benefits afforded a 20 year veteran. He required about a transition of health care benefits but was was told, Your coverage is over, thanks for the 16 years now Go fuck yourself. Oh boy isn't that encouraging. We understand the guy who was bowling a 300 game is trying to recover his bowling ball from Smithtown Lanes. Hey dude just go buy another one. Whatsa Matta you din't know the Obama's are a Czar and Czarina. Has anybody seen a Town of Islip plow? Just asking

SNOW SNOW AND THE GRAMMYS

Hey it snowed and did we get a "snow job". Who in the fuck plowed the streets and highways? Did the state hire Lighthouse for the Blind or Helen keller enterprises" to plow the LIE. What the fuck. Typical shit job done by the state and town workers. And how about the private entities that plowed the side streets? Do these guys actually get paid for what they did? GO FUCK YOURSELVES. Do me a favor and turn snow removal over to the mob. At least the job will get done right and the price will be about what these private crooks steal from us taxpayers. The roof collapsed at the Smithtown Lanes Bowling Alley, rumor has it some guy was bowling a perfect game and boy was he pissed. Witnesses say he had the side bumpers up. This can't be proven because the roof collapsed, we will have to take his word for it. 50 cars were stuck on Rte 347 with Chinese Food deliveries, well at least they had something to eat. Chinese Restuarants took their phones off the hook when an extremely large number of calls came in asking " Vheres Mine Food" Hey didn't you have 10 gallons of milk and 15 loaves of bread to snack on. Rumor has it the town of Brookhaven doesn't own any plow equipment, Can't you tell. Zac Brown Band wins for best Country Album? What fucking part of country doesn't the Grammys understand. THEY SUCK. Alicia Keys won a Grammy for the longest rendition of the Star Spangled Banner at the Super Bowl. Bonnie Raitt won a Grammy? For what, I thought she was dead. Will somebody just tell Taylor Swift to just get the fuck out. Who fucking cares who she is breaking up with. I wouldn't fuck her with Jay-Z's dick. I would have said Justin Timberlake but he doesn't fuck girls.Could somebody tell the Islanders to just get the fuck out now, why wait till 2015.