TODAYS NEWSSSSSSSSSSSS

Tim Tebow is no longer a Jet. Hey, I thought once your a Jet your a Jet to your last dying day, oh I remember thats from west side story sorry.... Tebow, just got fucked by that lump of shit they call a coach they never gave this kid even a shot to see what he could do. The only question remaining is when are the patroits going to pick him up and stick it right in the jets asssss. So now the race war starts between a mexican and a black. Thats right the Jets picked their first black quarterback since ken obrian lol lol . What up with that. Sanchez said he is not concerned because he can always become the grounds keeper at Metlife Stadium. Talking about teams that suck the Mets have lost 4 straight games. I hope this losing streak continues for the rest of the season. They are off to Cuba, oops I mean Miami to play the Marlins. I won't need Ambien tonight ( Get It ) . George Jones died at the age of 81 on Friday. For all you rap listening northeastern pant loads he was a country singing legend with 150 albums and 140 songs reaching the Top 40. Hey Jay Z try and top that. The only thing you are topping is Beyonce. A factory collapsed in Bangladesh killing more than 300 people,thats what happens when you make buildings out of fuckin mud and straw... A piece of landing gear was found near Ground Zero, did you see what I just wrote, Ground Zero. How do the Feds, local Police and every other government agency miss a 5 foot fucking long piece of landing gear wedged between two buildings for 12 fucking years. Need I say more. These are the same people we trust to locate remains of loved ones? Oh boy. Can't wait to hear the spin they put on this

THE NFL DRAFT AND MORE

Did anybody see the Top 25 First Round Draft Picks ? Four white guys, one inbetweener whatever the fuck that is and 20 black dudes, What up with that.. Roger Goodell had to make sure he still had his watch after shaking their hands and getting bear hugged to death. At least they had normal names, Ziggy, Tavon,Barkevious, Bjoern and Star just to name a few, are you fucking kidding me. Don't these names just roll of your tongue. Somebody wanna get Joe Namath a drink. The Jets thought the first round was something you did in a bar considering the 2 guys they drafted, another 2 beauties that will soon be selling shoes then playing football. They picked Dee Milliner, I thought Dee was a girls name. This goober went to college in Alabama, his next appearance is on Swamp People. This guy replaces Revis? Can you say 3 and 13..... David Wright has asked Met management to move the outfield fences in 330 feet. Need I say more about this overpayed pant load.... Nice to see Toronto in last place with a 6 trillion dollar payroll.This fucking teams payroll is more then the national dept, How's that working out for ya. Baseball in Canada,fuck noooo. Is there an uglier city than Toronto / yeah, Montreal. Another Mickey Mantle wannabe was arrrested for DUI. Yankee propect Mason Williams was pulled over in his 2012 Ranger Rover ( Not bad for a Prospect ) weaving his way in and out of lanes, sounds like my driving jezzzzzz. Kevin Youkilis missed his 5th straight game due to lower back stiffness. Hey you ever hear of fucking Doan's Pills you putz. Rangers made the playoffs, enuf said. Derek Jeter held a press conference and I thought he was finally going to announce he was gay.

REALLY????????????

Does anybody know where I can get gunpowder, oh yeah I know how about Phantom Fireworks is Seabrook, N,H. Can I please have 100 ctns of the Lock & Load 24 assorted shells. President Obama has now banned the sale of Ball Bearings and Nails. He thinks glue is a better alternative to using nails and hey what the heck it renders a pressure cooker bomb device useless. I think its time for the Boston Police Dept to head on down to the local firing range and take some practice. They must have fired over a hundred rounds into the boat were stupid was hiding and didn't kill this kid. What up with that. Did you hear about the asian persuasion that was building air powered guns to look like assault rifles in his dorm room. He is an NYU psychology student. I think this guy should see a physcologist don't you? Whatver happened to asians majoring in math. FUHGETABOUTIT

MY FRIGGIN ANKLE HURTS

Jeter has another fracture in his ankle? Hey Jeter how are those steroids working out for ya. Who is going to push A-Rod around in his wheelchair now. The NFL schedule was released and The Giants open at the Cowboys, Jets will lose to the Bucs at Met-Lifeless Stadium. Anybody want my tickets for tonights game at Fenway. Did anybody see a young kid around 19 years old running around in a hoodie with a pressure cooker bomb strapped to his back ? He was last seen in a green 99 Honda Civic. Not to worry he is in a Honda so he won't get to far. Please call the COPS if you see him they will respond in a matter of days. These guys didn't fit in because they could pronounce their R's. Sales at McDonalds fell flat the last quarter. They blamed it on there food and the workers. One executive was overheard saying " who eats this crap anyway " and customers are tired of getting their change thrown at them. The price of fertilizer will skyrocket in the near future ( I gotta Explain

JUST ANOTHER DAY

Steve Jobs died and so did Apple. Hey if you bought Apple stock in 2012 it hit a high of 702 bucks a share it closed yesterday at 403 bucks. So before the democrats pass a bill to ban the sale of hand guns go get yourself one, its less painful then jumping in front of a moving train. Speaking of guns, the Dems marched out every poster child they could to get a Gun Bill passed, well guess what that ain't happening. How pitiful and sad to watch these people get used as pawns by President Stupid. Here is another company thats stock took a nose dive ( get it ) Cessna shares were down 14% because business owners are deferring purchases because of the uncertain econonmy. Gee, President Stupid said the economy was starting to turn around. A goober with all his fucking teeth ( how unusual ) from Mississippi was arrested for mailing ricin to a Republican Senator and President Stupid. Paul Kevin Curtis is an Elvis impersonator, gee I would have never guessed it. Ricin is found in castor beans, hey does Goya sell them. The FBI is closing in on the scumbag or scumbags that set off explosive devices during the Boston Marathon. Hopefully they won't arrest Richard Jewel. ( I gotta explain ) You would think that the Sabres would have allowed the Bruins to win last night. What up with that. Celtic at Knicks Saturday for game one of playoffs. Did you get your tickets. FUHGETABOUTIT

TODAYS NEWS

What up with the price of gold. Nothings up with gold, its down over 500 bucks an ounce. Somebody better tell William Devane to shut the fuck up with these bad commercials. Whats in your safe? It ain't gold . J.C. Penney borrowd 850 million dollars,NOW who the fuck would lend them that kind of money? they are practically out of business. Hardworking Americans can't get a fucking bank loan but this shitbag outfit has a 2 billion thats with a B revolving line of credit. Citibank said it loss less money from bad assets but said it was getting expenses under control. However expenses fucking increased HUH. WHAT.You want to run that by me again....And people actually buy this line of bullshit...scary stuff..... The hunt is on for the person or persons that set off bombs at the Boston Marathon. Not to worry because it wasn't a terrorist attack, well at least according to President Stupid. I guess its only a terrorist attack when planes fly into buildings and 3,000 people get killed. There hasn't been a more liberal President since Jimmy"peanuts" Carter. A large earthquake rocked the Middle East today I guess its Gods way of saying " I will take care of it ". It is time to send these people a message. I gotta go now, trying to get the Enola Gay cranked up.

SUDDEN DEATH

No Tiger Woods wasn't killed by his ex-wife. Adam Scott beat Angel Cordero oops not the friggin jockey I mean Angel Cabrera in sudden death at the Masters. The plantation owners at Augusta couldn't believe a black man, a mexican and a slope were allowed to play golf on their golf course. It was the first time an Australian won the Masters. Tiger Woods said he could have won if he was allowed to cheat. Did you know that the Mets, Yankees, Nets and Knicks get an estimated 2.3 billion in property tax exemptions, yeah thats with a " B" What up with that. They get billions in tax breaks but keep fucking the consumer. The Dolan gangsters ( Cablevision ) get 16 million in tax breaks. Who said the Westies weren't around anymore. Did you hear that an asian is running for mayor of New York. John Liu said he would need all the people in Flushing to vote for him in order to win. He asked the asian community not to gamble at Resorts Casino but to donate to his campaign. He promised two cars in every garage and General Tso's chicken in every pot. Um that sounds kinda familiar. There was a death at the Nascar Sprint Cup race, a man died on the infield, no not from being hit by a car but a self inflicted gun shot. A note found by the body read " How many times can you watch a car make left turns " FUGHGETABOUTIT

TODAYS NEWS

Frankenstein look a like John Kerry is visting South Korea to assure them that we won't fuck them when North Korea attacks. If I were the South Koreans I would be very worried. Lets face it John Kerry doesn't exactly instill the fear of GOD in people. Kim Jung Un was out target practicing with a fucking sling shot. When he ran out of pebbles he was handed a plastic dart gun. The North Korean state run news said he was an ace, our media thought they said ass. While we are on the subject of assholes JayZ and his even dumber wife Beyonce visited Cuba, Que Pasa, aint no rapping going on over there and besides that you suck. Lance Armstrong is selling his house near Austin, TX. for 10 million. Who the fuck would buy a house in Austin, TX for 10 million? However it does come with a furnished doping room. The room is fully stocked with cotton swabs, alcohol, a year supply of needles. Those crap Jap cars that the yuppie scum love are being recalled for defective airbags over 3 million Hondas, Mazdas, Nissans and Toyotas. They have faulty inflators that cause the air bag to deploy abnormally. Can you say SAYANORA. Here is another sign the economy is doing great, forclosures surged last month, hows that Obama 2nd term working out for ya. The Masters starts today at 3:00 P.M. There isn't a bigger racist operation than this. The only blacks allowed are Tiger Woods and the help. The plantation owners who run this show have to take off their white sheets and hoods for three days and cancel their KKK meetings. One member was overheard saying " I hope that niggar don't win" I believe he is for Bubba Watson, ya'all. Get ready hockey fans for the for Saturday's game in Hempstead, Ranger Vs. Islanders, Hempstead hasn't seen that many white people in years. Remeber this is like the Master, NO BLACKS ALLOWED. I think this is a good weekend to see 42. If you don't know what i mean just enter the Citifield Rotunda. FUHGETABOUTIT

TIC TOC TIC TOC

Anybody wanna go to the Tick Tock Diner and order the Hitman Special. It cost 20,000.00 and is served by a dip shit New Jersey Trooper.You just can't make this shit up. Listen nobody said that Greeks are smart. Here is my suggestion, stick to making Gyros. Whats up with Kin Jung Un? Does this fucking slope have a death wish. Here is my suggestion to this squinty eyed fat bastard, WATCH THE HISTORY CHANNEL. Tune in to the episode where we drop two bombs on the Japs. Don't you know how that story ended ? North Korea claims to have a fucking frisbee they can launch 2180 miles. Some fucking North Korean must have some arm. South Korea is watching the outcome closely hoping they can build another Hyundai plant once North Korea is flattened. Does anybody know how to say " Kiss your ass goodbye in Korean" oh yeah I know KABOOM.... Listen to this bull shit, Family Dollar Stores is cutting its full year forecast. Do you know why? Sit down this is a good one. A delay in tax refunds left people with less cash to spend. WHAT I say WHAT????? Your sales depend on fucking tax refund checks, somebody has got to be kidding me. Listen if your customers need tax refund checks to buy something for a dollar then just close the fucking stores now. Does anybody know what it cost to buy something at Family Dollar, ya a fucking dollar................

TODAYS NEWS

Thieves in Germany stole 5.5 tons of Nutella from a trailer worth 20,710.00. German officials are waiting for the person or persons that check themselves into the hospital with the shits,that will be their suspects. Stealing Nutella ? whats next a T/L of fucking bread. I understand, these are the same people that brought us World War II, not to fucking bright. Fourteen people were stabbed at Lone Star College in Cypress, TX. President Obama is calling for tougher knife laws. Anyone buying knives at Wal-Mart must register and have a valid driver I.D. He also wants to limit the number of knives you can buy at one time. 12 inch steak knives wil be banned for sale under his new proposal. Obama said the chi-coms have the right idea, everybody should eat with chop sticks. The top ten cities people don't feel safe in are Beaumont, TX., Visalia, CA., Modesto, CA., Fayettevile, N,C., Memphis, TN. Rockford, IL. Mobile, AL. , Yakima, WA. McAllen, TX and Stockton, CA. Notice what city isn't listed? Thats right NEW YORK. Do you know why New York wasn't on the list ? Because we forced our criminals into these 10 states. Im surprised with Texas on the list. Don't these 10 gallon hat, boot walking, wrangler jean wearing yahoos carry guns. Oh yeah I would feel unsafe walking down the street with you'all. Yankee fans don't get to excited, they are playing the Cleveland Indians. It don't look good for the Rangers they play a Canadian team tonight and Lundqvist is still the goalie. Whats up with white girls hooking up with black guys, P Diddy is dating supermodel Kate Upton. Whats next Kim Kardashian dating Kanye West. The UConn Huskies womens basketball team beat Lousiville. Rumor has it none of these women think abortion is the most important issue facing them.OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I'M BACK BABY

Louisville beat Michigan and nobody gives a shit. Hasn't Michigan been beat enough? Have you been to Detroit lately. During the NCAA Tournament crime in Lousville dropped significantly, What up with that. Oh yeah I know. The Rangers were beat by Toronto, sorry Ranger fans another year without the Stanley Cup, now theres a shocker. Whatsa Matta you actually thought the Rangers could beat a Canadian team. Henrik Lundqvist please stop a friggin puck. The Mets played the Phillies last night in the City of Brotherly Love. Well the brotherly sure is right but there ain't much love going on. What the fuck is a Hoagie ? Is that something you eat in your row house. Yestersday was Mentally Handicap Day at Citizens Bank Park, Oh I forgot everyday is Mentally Handicap Day in Philly. 40,000 plus fans wearing team jerseys with the number ZERO on the back. Is there any city worse than Philadephia? yeah Pittsburgh. Annette Funicello died at the age of 70. Cause of death was listed as living in Bakersfield, CA. You might remember her as the chick that was getting banged by Frankie Avalon. Will her funeral be held on a beach? just asking. Was that the rear end of a 72 Buick Wildcat I just saw, no it was Kim Kardashian. Rapper Ray J has a new song out " I Hit it First " guess who thats about. But then again what black man hasn't hit it. Most people think Kim is a detective because she's been dicked so many times. Guess who Tim Tebow is working out with in Tampa, Vinny Testaverde, yup the same Vinny Testaverde that didn't get a Super Bowl ring with the Jets. FUHGETABOUTIT

DID YOU HEAR

Richie Sambora of Jon Bovi fame will not be with the band on the " Because We Can" tour. Rumor has it he checked himself in for alcohol abuse. The truth is he is taking guitar lessons so he can finally learn how to play the fucking thing. You suck and so does Bon Jovi and so does his new song Because We Can. I've heard better music on a fuckin elevator. Well at least he is confronting his addiction, I'll drink to that. That building that the late rapper Biggie Smalls lived in is up for sale. The fumigation has been completed and the guns were cleared out on the Clinton Hill Brownstone, any takers? The Yankee players said it was tough to play last night because the metal on their wheelchairs was freezing cold. There Japanese pitcher Kuroda went down faster than the bomb we dropped on Hiroshima. He now joins the list of aging players with another injury. Victor Cruz is another player that has jumped over to the Jay-Z sports agency. He was promised he can have sex with robinson cano anytime he wants. I suggest if anyone gets a resume from Mike Rice to just shred it. I guess his next career will be in politics or selling shoes.... Did you hear about the toothless goober from the realtiy series " Buckwild" based in West Virginia. The key here is West Virginia. Shain Gandee first check out how Shain is spelled, was found dead with his uncle in Gandee's Ford Bronco. Apparently Dumb & Dumber went mud wheeling while drunk and the Bronco got stuck and they died of carbon monoxide poisoning. They died like true rednecks, drunk and in a Ford Bronco. FUHGETABOUTIT

AND YOU DID'NT THINK

And you thought Mike Piazza wasn't gay. Well think again, he will perform in Slaughter on Tenth Ave at the Miami City Ballet for one night. It will be a packed house ( Get It ). It was the battle of the tattoos in Miami last night but the Knicks beat the Heat and you thought LeBron was gonna play last night so you had Miami, Oh well. The Yankees are hoping they can get Yogi in shape for the second half of the season and you thought Yogi was dead. The Yankees will battle it out with Tampa Bay for last place this season. Robbie Cano signed on with Jay-Z's new sports agency. Part of the deal he can sleep with Beyonce anytime he wants.....There is a physcopath coaching basketball at Rutgers and his name is Mike Rice. Somebody wanna show this guy where the unemployment office is in Jersey. This guy makes Bobby Knight look normal. And you thought these guys were molding your kids into fine athletes. Here are some confidence building quotes from him " You fucking fairy you're a fucking faggot".... really makes me wanna shoot a 3 pointer how about you, what an assholeeeeeeee...... Johan Santana said he will pitch again but it will be for the Dominican Republic Retirement Home Team. Hey Johan just get the fuck out and take the Wilpons 137 mil with you. Looks like the Wilpons got fucked three times, once by Bernie Madoff and twice by Johan Santana. Looks like the white man fucked the redskin again. Three Indian Smoke Shops on Long Island must pay 10 mil to New York for trafficking untaxed cigarettes. Now thats a lot of wampum. And you thought there weren't any indians in Mastic. FUHGETABOUTIT

GET READY FOR OPENING DAY

It is opening day baseball in New York. The Yuppie scum will watch the Yankees Opener and just plain scum will watch the Met Opener. The opener for the Yankees starts with Old-Timers Day. This is the first of 80 Old-Timer home games. Come see some of your favorite old-timers, like Jeter, Rivera, Youkilis, Ichiro and bad hips A-Rod just to name a few. One good thing that retarded Nick Swisher is no longer a Yankee. They play the team with the most drunk and obnoxious fan base in baseball besides the Phillies, thats right the Boston Red Sox. Notice how these stupid bastards spell SOCKS. The Red Sox fans aren't use to padded seats and bathrooms that actually work. Hey Red Sox fans no need to pee next the concessions stands at Yankee Stadium they have bathrooms. This is the year of the Orioles so just FUHGETABOUTIT. The Met season starts and ends today in Flushing. Rumor has it they sold 100 tickets for opening day. What can you say about the Mets except that they suck. David Wright was named Captain of the team. This pant load was named Captain? Oh I guess he is the captain on a sinking ship because he SUCKS. The catcher for the Mets is John Buck, no Johnny Bench here, Ist base is Ike Davis the putz with bad feet, Bad rib cage Murphy at second base and wanna be Reyes, Ruben Tejada at short. How about this outstanding outfield Lucas Duda, Collin Cowgill, WHAT THE FUCK IS A COLLIN COWGILL? and Marlon Byrd. Who put this team together for the Mets? The Atlanta Braves? This is the year of the Nationals so FUHGETABOUTIT. I already shoved a fork in my eye and the game didn't even start yet.Listewn if you took the day off to catch the Met Opener your are a FUCKING BOOOOB