It
all came down to this. Dick Clark's New Years Rockin Eve. What can you
say about Ryan Seacrest. Oh yeah, I know. Is there any show he won't
friggin host.
Then for entertainment we get Lady GaGa. She comes out
dressed in a manhole cover ( no no not a tampon ) or something that
looks like a burnt out light bulb over head.
I could have saved her a lot of money and given her a bag to put over her head, preferably a plastic bag. Then we have Santana and Justin Beiber. NO, not separately but together.
When was the last time Carlos Santana had a hit. I think it was 1982.
Justin Beiber, let me tell you something, no talent and there is no way
this kid is impregnating any woman. By the end of the musical
entertainment I shoved the spoon I was eating my ice cream with into
both my eyes. Then at the end all cameras focus on Dick Clark. I don't
want to sound mean but a man has got to know his limitations. They
sprayed so much orange dye on him he looked like a naval orange. I had
nobody at my house who could translate Swahili so I didn't understand an
friggin thing he was saying. Did he have a stroke or something?ooo ya
he did this poor fuck stay off tv and ride off into the sunset will ya
please. how do people who run the network allow this poor guy who was an
icon for so many years go on the air spray tanned more then snookie and
speaking just as bad....friggin amazing...although this guy still has a
great head of hair go figure
P.S. Don't forget Super Bowl
Sunday. Halftime show with Madonna. I already have my zanax pills ready
for that mess. Order yours early.
It
all comes down to this. The Jets at the Dolphins this Sunday. The
entire Latino community in Miami will be at the game ( if they can get
their cars started ) to see their hero Mark Sanchez. The ones that don't
go to the the game will be at Jai Alai. Budweiser will not be served
this day, it will be replaced by Dos Equos and Corona. The only problem
at 11 bucks a pop I don't think they will be selling to many beers.
This is a good thing because they will already be showing up drunk from
the night before and their pay was already spent on Friday night.
Sanchez is so stupid he thought he was signing up for a role on West
Side Story when asked if he wanted to be a JET. Oh yeah the real Jet
fans will there. You can spot them, milky white, wearing Namath jerseys,
hats in the shape of a jet with two beer can holders and a straw. Some
douche bag on his friends shoulders chanting J - E- T -S J-E-T-S ( they
had to practice the spelling for a week ) the women with their bleach
blond hair,stretch pants ( that are really be stretched ) chewing gum,
chanting youse guys suck.
Then the Jets have to win to have any hope
for the playoffs. The only problem is ( 3 ) other teams have to lose.
One of the teams the Bengals also had a former Jet douche quarterback
called Boomer. ( no Super Bowls with him either ) . Then we have to put
up with that overweight loud mouth ( no not Mike Francesa ) Rex Ryan.
Hey we gonna win Sunday, Hey we are da best, Hey, I don't care what
anybody else thinks. Hey, bigmouth how about coming up with a game plan
and it shouldn't include ( let me stuff a gun in my pants ) Plaxico. Joe
Namath on bum knees gauranteed a Super Bowl win and backed it up so
shut up Rex.
What the eff is a Plaxico. How did his parents even
come up with a name like that. The baby is born and the parents turn to
one another and say " Lets name him Plaxico"
Thats like Mary &
Joseph coming up with Jesus Christ. Tony Sporano ( not Tony Soprano )
will be showing up with his best game plan and the sunglasses, fake Ray
Bans and the Jets go down 17-14
Kim
Jung Un has been named " Supreme Leader" of North Korea. I think the
last " Supreme Leader" was named Stalin. So this overweight, basketball
loving pant load thinks he is the next Stalin. Rumor of what his
Executive Office looks like are sketchy, but this is what is being
leaked to the media. His desk is an old whiskey barrel that came with a
folding beach chair. No computer ( remember they have
no electricity ) however he did get the gold plated toilet his father
left him but it isn't attached to any plumbing A step stool so he can
reach the potty. A box of crayons so he can take notes and an American
made Duracell heavy duty flashlight ( he is waiting on the next delivery
of batteries from China ) so he is in the dark. He also got the two
pictures on the wall of his scum bag father and douche bag grandfather.
So now we had Douche Bag who was succeeded by Scum bag who is succeeded
by Pant Load. All three couldn't make one 6 foot tall American. This is
the same country that alleges it has Nuclear Weapons. I guess in No
Korea a fire cracker attached to a hand grenade and then strapped to a
bi-plane is considered nuclear. Hey Kim, China called they want their
two 1972 Lincoln's back. He was overheard saying " My father dies and I
inherited this piece of shit for a country " Now the world waits to see
what games pant load will play. We can only hope there is a missile out
there with his name on it
The
tyrant of No. Korea was laid to rest somewhere in this shit hole known
as No. Korea. To my amazement they once again showed the world how
advanced they are technology wise. The funeral procession consisted of
two 1972 Lincoln Continentals and four 1940's style jeeps. How come no
world leaders showed up for this douche bags funeral ? Oh I know why,
because he was a douche bag. I know where he got the 40's jeeps from, they were left over from the Korean War. The Korean War?
I am puzzled where the Lincoln's came from. I believe he got these from
another country that eats dirt for dinner, China. They probably called
No Korea and said we have two 1972 Lincolns' or two 1968 Caddies we
could lend you. I still question why we didn't let General Mac Arthur
march right into China when we had the opportunity. I think Truman liked
Chinese Food thats' why. But I digress. How fitting that this piece of
crap was brought to his final resting place in an American car. I do
question why we did not have a Drone in the area to take out the funeral
procession. We could have easily said we thought it was a unfriendly
military maneuvers. Maybe his son Kim Jong Un was there and we could
have taken this porky pig looking pant load with the Lemon Tree haircut
out as well. . This country has Nuclear Weapons? I don't think so. They
don't have electricity so how can you have a Nuclear Weapon. Here is how
we put an end to the lunacy going on there. We tell China you better
not get involved because if you do we are going to eff you out of all
the money we owe you, second we place an embargo on all the shit
products they export into the USA, so if you want your economy to
collapse take your slanted eyes and look the other way. Then we send the
most powerful Navy in the world ( in case you didn't know that is the
USA ) the largest Naval armada ever assembled and tell sonny boy either
get the eff out or you will become the parking lot for So Korea. These
tyrants and dictators around the world better look around. Their time is
coming to an end.
Well
it all comes down to Sunday night for the Giants. Met Life Stadium 8:20
P.M. The team that comes from a state with steers and queers ( Dallas )
and the team that comes from the state with queers and no steers (
Giants ) will meet head on for the Division Title. The pressure is on
Eli to get it done so he doesn't get smacked around by his father Archie
and sexually abused again by his older brother
Peyton. Yes, The Big Apple against the Big D ( That's what these
assholes in Texas call Dallas ). The big question is will Tony Romo
play. He has an ingrown hair and his left ball sac and is questionable.
This is the most sensitive quarterback ever, he cannot take a hit. We
will have the toothless goobers from Texas in the stands wearing there
gravy stained Cowboy Jerseys, holding signs that read Dallas is #1 or D "
FENCE" ( they actually think it is spelled correctly ). The Dallas fans
will be sober because they can't afford the 11 bucks for a beer. Then
we have the Giant fans. Aren't they a special breed. They don't have
signs that say we are #1 because they can't count that high.
Crime in
the state of Jersey will drop significantly ( Except Newark ) while the
game is on. They will be wearing their beered stained Giant Jerseys
because they can afford the 11 bucks for a beer.There will be more hits
in the stands then on the field. Get there early because security will
be tight. They have to tell the assholes from Texas your not allowed to
carry sidearms into the stadium. Can't wait to see these Giant fans all
dressed in blue with their hair dyed blue spelling out the word G I A NT
S holding a beer in one hand and pumping their fist with the other hand
then covering their faces as the Dallas fans kick the living shit out
of them. The stands packed with 82,000 drunken douche bags. The kids
will hear such phrases as You Suck, Hey Coughlin GO FUCK YOURSELF, Hey
Romo GO FUCK YOURSELF, Hey Eli Go FUCK YOURSELF, Hey Romo YOUR MOTHER
SUCKS. Hey Eli YOUR MOTHER SUCKS, they will witness fist fights, adults
throwing 11.00 beers at each other, and I forgot one phrase, YO, GO FUCK
YOURSELF. Don't you wish you were at this spectacle as the Giants lose
in OT. I put my money on Eli that he will be crying before the 2nd half.
Randy’s Top TEN excuses on why he will be late to work
#10. HAD TO GIVE DOG HIS INSULIN SHOT
# 9 HAD TO GIVE HIMSELF AN INSULIN SHOT
# 8 MY KID BLOCKED MY PANAMERA IN THE DRIVEWAY
# 7 MY KID COULDN’T FIND THE KEYS TO HIS CAR
# 6 HAD TO TAKE THE PANAMERA BACK TO DEALER ( AGAIN )
# 5 HAD TO LEARN HOW TO DRIVE THE KIA SORRENTO RENTAL THEY GAVE ME
# 4 MY FUCKING COMPUTER BLEW UP
# 3 I CAN’T GET OUT OF BED AS FAST AS I USED TO
#2 DID YOU SEE THE ACCIDENT ON LAKE AVE?
#1 HAD TO WAIT FOR CVS TO OPEN. I RAN OUT OF DRAKKAR
Well
won't Christmas Eve be a delightful event for many Jet / Giant fans
starting at 1:00 P.M. 82,000 drunks driving, taking trains, buses and
yes some even walking. You can spot the ones that walk they have the
seats way up on top near the flags. Not only will there be 82,000 drunk
and crazed fans at the game hundreds of thousands will be home. The Jet
fan sitting in his or her recliner, watching
on a new 73" Samsung ( Made in Korea ) while the Giant fan will be
sitting in his or her bean bag chair, watching on an old 13" RCA ( Once
made in America ) with aluminum foil wrapped around the antenna.
Yes
this combination of Big Blue and Gang Green will make for a very
entertaining game. We can only hope the camera will pan into the stands
while the fans painted green with jet plane hats attached are getting
pummeled by the fans painted blue, while 6 Giant fans are standing
behind this brawl each fan with a painted letter on their beer bellies
spelling out G I A N T S. The most amazing part, it is spelled
correctly. Now at home the families are divided, the old man is a
Giants fan ( he is drinking Budweiser with a chaser ), The kid is a Jet
fan ( he is drinking Heinekin through a straw from two bottles strapped
to a Jet helmet. By the time the first quarter is over these two morons
are rolling on the floor punching the living shit out of each other. (
one is wearing Drakkar the other Davidoffs Cool Water ) you figure out
which is which. Mom is in the kitchen getting the fish ready for Xmas
eve dinner when she says " Hey, what the fuck are you two idiots doing" (
She is wearing Poison ) the house smells like a perfumery.
It will be a
game filled with Eli lying on his back sacked so many times he feels
like a potato, while Sanchez is throwing his ten yard interceptions. I
predict the game ends 2 zip Jets on a Safety. The game ends and the
camera pans to Joe Willie Namath drooling on himself with his 1960's
eyeglasses are sliding down his nose. He turns to Woody Johnson and says
" Do you remember me, I'm Joe Namath. You know the quarterback that
actually won a Super Bowl for this team.
